Crystal Castle
by contrite shadow
Summary: Sorry about the wait. This is my take on "Knockout" and the start of "Rise", plus some stuff that's just me.


Previously on Castle: In _The Castle Oubliette_ a man named Madere Straker kidnapped and attempted to murder Castle using a method inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's story _The Pit and the Pendulum_. Straker escaped and is still at large.

Original characters: 1. Sasha Beketov: escaped convict, serial killer and Castle's friend. Last known whereabouts; Los Angeles. 2. Clair Hampton: Castle's ex-girlfriend, currently pregnant with their son and living in Port Angeles, Washington. 3. Allyson Markham: widow, academic and Castle's friend. Saved Castle from a car wreck the night he saved her from suicide.

* * *

"Some hearts are more fragile than others; purer, somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful." –_Everwood_

* * *

Crystal Castle

The impromptu sparring match was a good workout and Beckett is luxuriating in that familiar feeling of satisfied exhaustion. Sure, she could find a willing adversary at the precinct gymnasium, but sometimes it's nice to mix it up with a different partner; someone who might surprise her. Though, other than a remarkably quick left jab, her young opponent stuck to routine moves, right down to the clichéd attempts to chat her up. Of course, he was out of luck. After hitting the showers, Beckett empties her locker and heads to the car. She's about to turn the key when what feels depressingly like the muzzle of a gun is pressed against the back of her neck and a woman's voice says, "Hands on the steering wheel, slowly."

Heart pounding, Beckett recognizes the voice and knows that she's only alive because her captor wishes it. So she carefully does exactly as told, then swallows her fear and says, "When did you get back in town, Sasha?"

Never one for small talk, Sasha says, "His name?"

At first confused, Beckett soon guesses why Sasha has traversed the country and says, "The man who abducted Castle?"

Already losing patience, Sasha emphasizes her words with increased pressure against Beckett's neck as she demands, "His name!"

Beckett dares to shake her head a little and says, "You'll kill him."

Sasha is silent for a full two seconds and then sounds very confused when she says, "You don't want him dead?"

Reliving her horror at seeing Castle's torn, battered appearance after he'd escaped from Straker's elaborate torture machine, Beckett doesn't bother to conceal her anger when she says, "_Yes_, I want him dead." And then she takes a deep breath to calm herself and continues, "But I don't get to decide that…_you_ don't get to decide that. I'll catch him and he'll be punished. But I'm not going to help you murder him." Words aren't needed when Sasha merely clicks back the hammer on the pistol, readying for the kill shot. Beckett only has one bargaining chip in this encounter and carefully chooses her words before saying, "He would never forgive you."

After a second, Sasha chuckles and says, "No, I don't believe he would." And then she grabs Beckett's handcuffs and, with the handgun still in place, holds them out and says, "Through the steering wheel." With Beckett suitably restrained Sasha opens the rear door and is gone.

* * *

It's late enough that Castle is in his pajamas, though he's still at his desk when there's a soft knock at the door. Confused, because Beckett's usually the only one who avoids using the doorbell, he checks and sees that it actually is his favorite detective. He opens the door, smiles and says, "You're either very late or very early." But then he notices the tension around her eyes and mouth, so he steps aside to let her in and says, "What's wrong?"

Stepping across his threshold, Beckett says, "Sasha paid me a visit this evening."

Horrified, despite the fact that she's apparently unharmed, Castle says, "God, are you okay? I mean, you seem all right. But, I mean…" He takes one, unsteady breath to calm himself and says, "And I'm repeating myself, sorry." And then he pleads, "You're really okay?"

Smiling at his babbling concern, Beckett says, "I'm absolutely fine. She didn't hurt me, just wanted a chat." And then she licks her lips and says, "I could do with a drink, though."

Holding out one hand, palm down, to reveal that he's trembling, Castle says, "Yeah, me too." After pouring them a large scotch each and motioning for Beckett to join him on the sofa, he asks, "Chat?"

Having considered how much to tell him, Beckett has decided on full disclosure and says, "She wanted Straker's name."

Castle's jaw clenches at the name and a promise of violence permeates his voice when he says, "I hope you gave it to her."

Though she knows that the venom is not for her, the intensity of it sends a chill through Beckett's spine and she says, "No, Castle, and I want your promise that, if she makes contact, you won't either." When Castle's very posture rebels against the idea, she begs, "Rick, _please_."

Castle's jaw muscles get a bit more of a workout before he says, "Okay." And then he smiles away the tension and says, "Though I'd be doing the world a favor."

Finally able to relax a little, Beckett says, "And be an accessory to murder."

"And that." After a sip of whiskey, Castle says, "So, how worried should I be that Sasha is back?"

Beckett shrugs and says, "Well, you know that it's kind of hard to tell with Sasha, though she still seems to be a fan of yours. Just in case she's not, Roy has ordered a car on both our apartments for now, if that's okay?" At Castle's nod, she says, "Thanks."

They're quiet for a while, as they finish their drinks and then Beckett stands to leave. Nervous about telling her what to do, Castle nods to the empty glass and says, "Uh, you might want to give that some time to settle."

Beckett smiles at his careful phrasing and says, "My car is a crime scene. The protection detail are giving me a ride home."

Only when she holds out the glass to Castle does he see the bandage around her wrist. She notices his glance and tries to draw her hand back, but Castle nabs her fingers and accuses, "You said she didn't hurt you?"

Uncomfortable with the level of concern in his voice, Beckett squirms and says, "She didn't. Sasha insisted that I cuff myself to the steering wheel, so I left enough slack to free one hand and then called it in."

Careful not to overstep any of their unstated boundaries, Castle gently pushes her sleeve back a little and touches his lips to the bandage, then says, "I'm sorry."

Marveling at how even that level of contact can make her skin tingle, Beckett pulls her hand from his grasp and says, "It's fine, Castle, just a little raw."

Castle smiles at her unease and then says, "Yes, you are. But you'll be back to your old, tough-as-nails self by tomorrow."

Smiling at his cleverness and grateful for his understanding, Beckett says, "Night, Castle."

Castle sees her to the door and says only, "Night, Kate."

* * *

One morning, weeks later, Castle gets a postcard containing only a few words in Sasha's hand, so he immediately calls Beckett. She arrives at his apartment within minutes to find that the card, already secured in a plastic bag,is from Crucita, Ecuador and reads, "_Nemo me impune lacessit_."

Beckett is wondering why those words look familiar when Castle says, "It's Montresor's family motto, from _The Cask of Amontillado_."

It's enough to jog Beckett's memory and she quotes, "No one attacks me with impunity."

Castle shrugs and says, "Or, in this case; no one pisses me off and gets away with it."

Beckett nods again and says, "What do you think the chances are that we'll find a body matching Straker's description in Crucita?"

"I'd say the chances are excellent…oh, but I didn't tell her, I swear. She didn't even contact me."

Beckett shakes her head once and says, "It's okay, Castle. You wouldn't lie about this."

Curious, Castle says, "What do you think I would lie about?"

Surprised at the question, Beckett doesn't quite meet his eyes when she says, "You lie about the little things."

Of course, Castle can tell from her sudden apprehension that there's more, so he prompts, "And…?"

Beckett takes a deep breath and meets his gaze to say, "You'd lie to keep me safe."

Despite her words, Castle knows that it's a form of trust and smiles fondly as he says, "Yes, I would."

Uncomfortable with the warmth of his gaze, Beckett gestures to the postcard and says, "Thanks, for this. I'll get it to the techs, though I doubt they'll find anything useful."

Sad that she's still unable or unwilling to completely relax with him, Castle sighs and says, "No problem." And then he says, "Have you had breakfast?"

Unsure whether to mention her breakfast companion, Beckett says only, "Uh, yeah, thanks. I was actually on my way to work when you called."

Castle smiles at her avoidance of the "J" word and says, "Does he still only have instant coffee?"

Relieved that Castle seems okay with discussing Josh, Beckett grimaces and says, "Yeah, it's pretty disgusting."

Castle smiles and says, "I won't be long. If you don't mind hanging around, I'll make you the best cup of coffee you'll have today and then you can repay me by giving me a ride."

Back on familiar ground, Beckett smiles and says, "Coffee would be great, thanks."

* * *

Once at the precinct, Beckett wastes no time following up on the clue Sasha has given them. And, by the end of the day, they know that Madere Straker was gagged and chained to a wall within a concealed room in the cellar of his mansion at Crucita and left to die. Unsurprised, and unmoved, Castle's only comment is, "She didn't brick him in."

Beckett shrugs and says, "I guess she didn't want to risk hanging around that long. The local authorities said that Straker's servants hadn't noticed anything amiss because they were unaware of the concealed room and Straker was often away for weeks, even months at a time. Apparently, he's owned the place for years and divided his time between Ecuador and New York…probably other places, too."

Castle nods and says, "He didn't seem worried about the prospect of the NYPD finding him. I'm betting he had a lot of places to hide."

"But not from Sasha."

With a quiet, proud smile, Castle says, "No, not from Sasha."

Beckett frowns and says, "You're okay with this?"

Castle shrugs and says, "Well, I've always been opposed to capital punishment. It just doesn't seem that I should ask someone to perform a service I wouldn't be willing to do myself. But…I dunno, something about the hours spent staring at that blade drop ever closer to my chest may have changed my mind. Some people don't deserve to live."

"You honestly think that you could have killed him?"

Castle nods and says, "I wasn't actually in any condition to succeed. But, if he'd been in that building, I would have tried." When it's obvious that the whole conversation is making Beckett very uncomfortable, he says, "Why does this bother you so much? You said yourself that you think I have it in me." Nervous about upsetting her, he hesitates and then gently points out, "And you're no stranger to the concept yourself."

After a second, Beckett nods once and says, "All true. But..." Struggling to articulate her fears, Beckett sighs, runs a hand through her hair and then continues, "But this isn't a conversation I could've ever imagined having with you. It's as if you've been somehow…corrupted by all that you've seen since we met."

Castle grins and says, "Are you honestly trying to tell me that you thought I was innocent when we met?"

Beckett smiles at the idea, grateful for his attempt to lighten the mood and says, "Hardly." And then she sobers and says, "But you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know. And, despite writing about murder my entire adult life, I wouldn't have said that I have a strong capacity for violence. But Sasha saw it in me long ago and she is a fairly highly tuned judge of character. Perhaps it's been there all along, just waiting for a reason to get out."

Tiring of the subject, Beckett stands and grabs her jacket, saying, "Then we need to make sure you never have reason."

Castle also stands and puts on his coat as he says, "This could involve keeping close tabs on me for years to come."

Shrugging her jacket on, Beckett smiles and says, "The only problem with your plan is that spending every day with you tests _my_ capacity for violence."

Castle grins and takes a step back, just in case, then says, "I dunno, I think you're mellowing in your old age."

Beckett summons a glare and says, "So much for your ride home. Night, Castle."

He's not falling for it, but decides to play along and follows her, saying, "I'm sorry. What I meant to say is that the few wonderful years we've spent together have made you a gentler, more compassionate human being." When she still says nothing, Castle adds, "And I'm very grateful that you've never actually kicked my ass, as I so richly deserve."

Fast losing the battle against her smile, Beckett nods her acknowledgment of his words and says, "You're welcome, Castle." As they ride the elevator down to the parking garage, she says, "It would be interesting." At Castle's confusion, she explains, "You and I in an actual fight. You have the obvious advantage in height and weight, but I have more training."

Castle smiles and says, "That's a bit of an assumption for a detective."

"Oh? You've had training?"

"Well, no. I was just pointing out that you don't actually know whether I can fight."

Revealing her best smile of the day, Beckett says, "Exactly. So, what do you think? Full protective gear, of course. I don't want you to get another concussion."

They're both quiet as they get into the car and Castle eventually says, "I don't think so, Beckett."

As she starts the engine, Beckett grins and says, "Afraid, Castle?"

Castle attempts a smile and then says, "No. I just think that you'd have a slight advantage over me, given that there's no way I could ever hit you."

He's obviously in earnest and Beckett is quiet as she drives towards his apartment. After a while she says, "Did you ever hit Alexis?"

"No." And then Castle smiles and says, "Though that doesn't stop her from hitting me."

"Then I don't think you need to worry too much about your capacity for violence. Truly violent men are not so selective."

Castle's eyes widen in surprise and then he says, "I guess not. Thanks, Beckett. I actually feel a bit better about it now."

They're soon outside Castle's apartment. After stopping the car, Beckett says, "Uh, Josh is on days now, so…you okay to find your own way to work?"

With a slight smile at her awkwardness, Castle says, "Of course." And then he grins and reveals, "I love that you call it _work_, like we're actually colleagues."

Obviously surprised, Beckett says, "I hadn't thought about it. But, yes, you're one of the team. I'm sure the guys feel the same way."

Genuinely moved to hear it put into words, Castle warmly says, "Thank you, Kate." And then he smiles and promises, "Tomorrow, then."

"Yeah, tomorrow."

* * *

Four months. It's been four months since Hal Lockwood was convicted and sent to prison. In all that time, Beckett has visited him almost every week. And, in all that time, he's given her nothing; not a scrap of information. Sometimes, despite being sequestered in Administrative Segregation, his face has fresh bruises and cuts or he shuffles to his chair as if in pain, so she knows that he's doing hard time. Yet he still hasn't said a single word to her. Today, as she puts her few personal belongings in a locker before entering the prison, Beckett wonders if she has the strength for even one more day, when every single visit only serves as a reminder that Johanna Beckett's murder is still unsolved and likely to remain so. But then she removes her mother's ring from its home around her neck and stares at it for a while, watching it spin on the chain and she knows that she has the strength, not just for months, but for years.

Officer Ryker admits her with his usual friendly manner. He's a likeable guy, so Beckett finds their easy banter refreshing and she genuinely appreciates his consistent attempts to lighten the mood. But they both know why she's here and he doesn't hesitate to arrange her visit with Lockwood. This day, however, it's not meant to be and adrenalin courses through Beckett's body on hearing that Lockwood is no longer segregated. Beckett knows that McCallister is probably already dead, but she has to try. So she quickly organizes an escort and borrows a vest before racing to the inmate's cell. Of course, they're too late. But Beckett is unperturbed because, after four long months, Lockwood has finally given her something; a new place to look for answers, and she smiles. Intent on the scene before her, she completely misses the look of utter horror on Ryker's face.

Once she's reassured Castle that she's okay, his only concern is for her mother's case. So Beckett is glad to reassure him on that score too. Only seconds later the guys bring justification of her jubilance; they finally have a paper trail. Trusting them to know what to do, she leaves them to it and heads to Lockwood's arraignment. Of course, Castle is with her every step of the way.

At the courtroom, Beckett seizes her opportunity to speak with Lockwood. After so long, she's not overly confident that this day will be different than any other. But she does her best to provoke him and is literally thrilled when he speaks his first words to her. It's confirmation that she was right all along; Lockwood is merely a highly-trained puppet and someone else is pulling the strings. So Beckett actually has to fight the urge to celebrate as she's ordered to her seat.

When she turns away to do the officer's bidding, Beckett notices that Castle's attention is consumed by Lockwood. Only then does she remember that the last time the two men saw each other was when Castle saved her life by tackling Lockwood and pummeling him senseless. The look on Castle's face almost shouts that he'd like nothing more than an opportunity to do the same thing again. But Beckett knows that she can trust him to behave, so she walks past him without comment, grateful that he's never had cause to be that angry with her.

Her senses heightened by the exchange with Lockwood, Beckett's instincts warn her that something is amiss several seconds before her brain processes why she's nervous of the NYPD officers who enter and sit nearby. Thankfully, her vigilance ensures enough warning to partly evade the flash-bang when it explodes only a few feet away. Her quick reaction minimizes the damage; she can still see and her eardrums are intact. But the percussion was close enough that all she can hear is a screeching hiss and the entire world is spinning as she first makes sure that Castle is unharmed before lunging after Lockwood on unsteady legs. By the time she reaches the ground floor, to see Lockwood boarding the helicopter, her inner ear has corrected itself and the world is once again right side up. Given that all she can see is sky behind the chopper, she risks firing several shots until it becomes too dangerous to persist and she's forced to watch the last link with her mother's case literally fly away.

Beckett is still frozen to the spot when Castle finds her only seconds later. He's obviously suffering from tinnitus as well, because he can't leave his ears alone as he approaches and says, "Gone?"

Beckett nods and secures her sidearm as she says, "Gone. They had a chopper waiting." And then she sighs, pushing her frustrations aside and says, "You okay?"

"Well, it wasn't exactly pleasant. But, yeah, I'm okay." Castle knows what Lockwood's escape means to Beckett, so he jokes, "And you throwing yourself on top of me like that was the nearest thing to sex I've had in quite a while, so I'm calling it a good day."

Beckett recognizes that Castle is doing what he does best; distracting her and, despite the fact that the events of the past few minutes feel like a crushing weight on her heart, she's able to smile and then says, "Thanks, Castle. I'll have to hang around and make a statement. But, if you're quick you can…"

She doesn't get to finish that sentence when Castle says, "I'll wait."

* * *

Beckett and Castle are eventually permitted to leave. In fact, Montgomery insists upon it, banning them both from going back to the precinct. So Beckett's mood is a short fuse looking for a match. Not quite brave enough to be that match, Castle is mostly quiet as they head towards his apartment. They're almost there when he says, "Seeing Josh tonight?"

Snatched out of her reverie by the question, Beckett says, "Uh, yeah. He's waiting up for me. I'll call him when I get home."

Pleased that she won't be alone, Castle then says, "Must be nice now that he's keeping civilized hours."

Beckett shrugs and says, "We both still work around seventy hours a week, so I'm not sure how civilized it is. But it's better than it was."

"I'm glad."

Beckett glances at him to confirm that there's no sarcasm in that reply, then slowly shakes her head as she says, "I know you've explained it to me, Castle. But I still don't get how you can be okay with me and Josh, especially when you have no one. If our situations were reversed, I don't think that I would be as understanding."

"Then it's just as well that our situations are not reversed." And then Castle grins and confesses, "Also, if _my_ brain were in _your_ body…well, let's just say that I would never leave the apartment."

Beckett can't help but laugh at the ridiculous notion and then says, "You are so gross, Castle."

Her words are delivered with enough affection to make his heart beat a little faster and Castle says, "Yeah, so I've been told."

Beckett stops the car outside his apartment and says, "See you at work?"

Castle can see that Beckett is already beginning to fall into melancholy at the idea of what tomorrow might bring, but he knows that there's nothing more he can do for her tonight and can only hope that Josh will be able to keep her from sinking too far into the abyss. So he summons a smile and says, "Yeah, I'll see you there."

After getting out of the car, Castle watches Beckett drive away and guesses that her jovial mood won't last even until she reaches her apartment. He shakes his head to clear the concern and heads upstairs. Everything else is pushed from his mind when he sees Alexis curled up on the sofa, in her pajamas, having fallen asleep waiting for him. His heart actually aching with love for his daughter, Castle sits down and puts an arm around her. The movement is enough to wake her and Alexis automatically snuggles in closer as she murmurs, "You okay?"

Castle kisses her forehead and says, "Yeah, sweetie, I'm fine. No ambulance required this time. I'm sorry that I'm so late."

Alexis sits up out of his embrace and says, "It's okay, Dad. At least you called and let me know what was going on. Though I'm still not fond of any phone call from you that begins with, _I'm fine, but…_"

Castle chuckles and says, "No, I suppose not." And then he stands and helps Alexis to her feet, saying, "Anyway, time for bed. Thanks, for waiting up…or almost waiting up."

Alexis smiles and embraces him again, then kisses his cheek and says, "Night, Dad."

"Night, sweetie."

After watching Alexis make her weary way up the stairs, Castle heads to his computer and records the events of the day while they're still fresh in his mind. He's not been at it long before he realizes something and curses himself for not working it out sooner. It doesn't take long to get onto the hospital message service and only minutes later Josh calls and says, "What's up?"

Suddenly unsure how to proceed, given that he called the man on a whim, Castle says, "Uh…did Kate call you yet?"

"Yeah, she's fine, just tired. I hear you two had a big day."

So Castle knows that he was right to be concerned and says, "She begged off?"

There's a pause and then Josh warily says, "Yes. Why?"

Trying to remember how much Josh knows of Beckett's obsession with her mother's murder, Castle then realizes that it's irrelevant and says, "Because she won't be asleep and I don't think that she should be alone tonight."

In an acrid tone, Josh says, "Then I'm surprised you're not at her door."

Frustrated that Josh's bitterness is thwarting his efforts, Castle brusquely says, "Believe me, if I thought it would help, I'd already be there instead of apparently wasting my time talking to you."

After only a second, Josh says, "You're right, sorry. I'll head over there now. Thanks, Rick."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Castle says, "Thanks. Oh, and probably best not to mention that it was my idea."

The line is quiet for so long that Castle is beginning to wonder if the surgeon has already gone when Josh suddenly says, "She loves you too, you know."

Castle doesn't know how long he stands there after Josh hangs up, staring at the phone and replaying those words over and over in his mind. But, when he finally comes to his senses, it's well after midnight. He gets ready for bed with all the will of an automaton, blindly going through the motions in a semblance of normalcy. But his efforts prove pointless and he's still awake an hour later, and the hour after that. He knows that Beckett will need his help tomorrow. But, clearly, sleep is not an option until his brain comes to terms with Josh's revelation. So, he drags his weary body back to the computer and writes it out until he can't even see straight, then writes a little more. Finally, exhausted in body and mind, he staggers to bed and falls into a fitful sleep.

* * *

When Castle wakes, the sun streaming in the study windows confirms that he's overslept, even before he glances at the time. Not knowing what the day will bring, he bothers with a quick shower before getting dressed and heading to the kitchen. There's a note on the coffee machine that reads, "I'm glad you slept. Please eat something, Dad. I'll see you tonight." Smiling at how well she knows him, because he was actually planning to only grab a coffee before heading to the precinct, Castle sends Alexis a thankyou text and makes himself a quick breakfast.

On arrival at the precinct, he can see Beckett with Montgomery in his office and the conversation appears heated. He checks in with Ryan and Esposito and finds out that Beckett was about the only detective _not_ working the case last night. Castle is filled with gratitude for the captain's efforts to ease the load on her shoulders, even as he vows to do his best to avoid pissing her off until she calms down. Montgomery leaves Beckett a minute to regain her composure. On seeing Castle, he says, "I was worried that you weren't coming in."

Embarrassed to have let him down, Castle says, "Sorry, sir. I didn't get much sleep."

Montgomery shrugs and says, "You're here now." He spares a glance at Beckett and adds, "She'll need you today."

"How's she doing?"

"Lockwood's in the wind. Everything about her mom's case just went to hell in a handbasket. How do you think?"

Beckett emerges from the office just then and asks for an update. Ryan and Esposito are ready and give her everything they have, including the news that Lockwood's mission is not yet complete. Castle is the one who works out that the mysterious third cop is the killer's most likely target. He's also there for Montgomery's none-too-subtle allusion that the guys should shoot to kill if they catch up with Lockwood. By then, they have the chopper, complete with Beckett's bullet holes. But the mercenaries were careful not to leave any useable evidence. Even at the scene, Castle can almost feel Beckett's frustration at the absence of any new leads, though she puts on a brave face for him.

By the end of the day, the case is still nowhere and Beckett is driving Castle home, having been once again ordered to leave the precinct. She's frighteningly quiet and Castle eventually says, "We'll get 'em, Kate. It'll just take time."

Refusing to show any sign of weakness, even though they're alone, Beckett sits up straighter and says, "Yeah, I know."

He can tell that there's no point discussing it. Instead, Castle says, "Did you want to stop in for a while? You know that you're always welcome."

"No, thanks. I'm meeting Josh for dinner." And then Beckett glances at him and says, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about him turning up unexpectedly at my door late last night, would you?"

Heart pounding, Castle wonders just how much trouble he's in when he says, "Why would I know anything about that? You told me that you were going to call him when you got home."

Beckett smiles at his evasion and says, "It's okay, Castle." And then she sighs and admits, "You were probably right to do that. I would have stayed up all night going over the case if Josh weren't there. But I'm not going to thank you, okay?"

Despite the last sentence, Castle recognizes that she's genuinely grateful and breathes a sigh of relief. And then he says, "How did you know it was me?"

Beckett grins and says, "It's the first time Josh has ever gone against my wishes and I immediately thought of you."

Castle laughs and says, "Yeah, I guess that's a big giveaway." They're outside his apartment and Castle says, "Try and get some sleep, okay?"

"You, too, before those bags under your eyes get long enough to trip you."

Indignant, Castle says, "Nice, Beckett. Did I make any comment about your appearance?"

Her voice dangerously calm, Beckett says, "Like what?"

Realizing his error, Castle opens his door and says, "Uh, nothing. You look fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

As he gets out of the car, Beckett laughs and says, "Coward! Night, Castle."

Before shutting the door, Castle smiles and says, "Night, Kate."

Castle watches Beckett drive away and, with the immediate concerns of the case behind him, his mind once again turns to Josh's parting words from last night. And he wonders if he'll ever find the courage to believe it; could Kate really be in love with him? It's so much more than he'd ever dared hope for that his brain simply won't let him accept it as a possibility. But, at the same time, he can't think of a single reason why Josh would lie about something like that. Castle doesn't know how long he's been standing there, replaying his tortured thoughts from the previous night, when the night doorman, still holding the door open for him, politely coughs and says, "Everything all right, sir?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry, lot on my mind. Night."

"Goodnight, sir."

As he heads up to the apartment, Castle shakes his head at his own foolishness and realizes that Beckett was right; he really is a coward. He's always found women easy to love. That part never changes, no matter how many times they stomp on his heart. It's the declarations of love that he struggles with and has always waited for the woman to say it first, if he says it at all. Of course, they almost always do, so it's never been a problem. With his brain threatening to explode under the weight of this tangled maelstrom of thoughts, Castle knows that he's in no condition to face his family. So he finds a quiet corner of the corridor and calls Clair. When she answers, he suddenly can't speak, yet again rendered mute by his cowardice and Clair says, "What's wrong? Are you hurt? Is Alexis okay?"

Almost in tears at her compassion, Castle finally finds his voice and says, "I love you."

Distraught, Clair says, "Oh, God. Rick, _please,_ just tell me what's wrong."

Castle laughs at how badly the conversation is going and then says, "Nothing's wrong. I just realized that I never actually said the words."

Clair is quiet for a few seconds and then audibly sighs and says, "No, you never did." After another pause, she gently prompts, "Kate?"

Not very surprised at her perspicacity, Castle sighs and says, "Yeah. Her boyfriend seems to think that she's in love with me and…and…God, I'm terrible at this stuff, aren't I?"

Clair laughs and agrees, "Abysmal. But you do have your good points." And then she sobers and says, "So, what are you afraid of; that it's a lie, or that Kate really does love you?"

Shaking his head at how well Clair knows him, Castle says, "Both, of course. It's kind of a moot point at the moment, anyway. Because there's been some developments in her mother's case and she's currently running on caffeine and sheer force of will."

"If the point is moot, why did you call me?"

"Because I can't stop thinking about it and you've always understood how I feel about Kate, even when I didn't." Near breaking point, Castle pleads, "What should I do?"

Clair exposes his biggest fear when she says, "Just tell her, Rick. After all, we know you can speak the words…eventually."

Smiling at the jibe, Castle says, "Only after we've broken up and you've moved to the other side of the continent."

"True, but it's better than never saying it at all. Maybe you just need practice; say it again."

Castle smiles at her playful tone and says, "I love you, Clair and I love our son." She's quiet for so long that he says, "Clair? You okay?"

He can hear the tears when she says, "Yes, I'm fine. Thank you, Rick. Maybe you don't need the practice after all."

Pleased that it's gone so well, Castle says, "Maybe not. Okay, I'd better go. Thanks, for this. I feel a lot better…now I just have to grow a pair and tell her."

"Good luck. And, for what it's worth, I think Josh is right."

His heart singing at this news, Castle says, "Thank you. I'll talk to you soon. Oh, but I've no idea where this case will lead, so don't panic if it's not for a while, okay?"

Given that he usually checks in almost every day, Clair appreciates the consideration and says, "I think that I can live without you for a few days. But, please take care, okay? And keep her safe."

Happy to oblige her wishes, Castle says, "Well, that's both my short and long-term goal. So I'll do my best. Night, Clair."

"Night, Rick."

* * *

When Castle enters his apartment, it's to see that Martha is elsewhere for the evening. Thankfully, this means that only Alexis cooked dinner. So she and Castle enjoy a leisurely meal together before he persuades her to let him clean up. Grateful for the reprieve, she kisses his cheek and heads upstairs. Much later, Castle is still going through the details of Johanna Beckett's case when Alexis comes downstairs and says, "Cocoa?"

"Thanks, sweetie."

He packs up the file as Alexis approaches with his drink, always careful to keep those particular crime scene photos private. When Castle answers the doorbell to find Jim Beckett at his door, he's glad that he took a few seconds to store the folder in his study. Unsure how to proceed, and very nervous about finally meeting him, Castle invites him in and introduces him to Alexis. The older man shakes hands with Alexis and warmly says, "Of course; Alexis. Katie talks about you so often that I almost feel like I know you."

Alexis blushes a little at the attention and says, "Uh, we were just having cocoa. Would you like anything to drink?"

Jim smiles and says, "Thank you. Cocoa would be lovely."

Jim looks around the loft as moves to the kitchen and then he says to Castle, "So, this is where you work your magic?"

Understanding that he must be talking about the novels, Castle points towards the study and says, "Well, at my desk, yeah. Have you read them?"

"No, sorry. I'm not much for fiction. Though Johanna, my wife, was a fan of your earlier works." And then he smiles and reveals, "She called it her guilty pleasure."

Startled by this revelation, Castle says, "Kate never mentioned that."

Jim smiles and says, "No, she wouldn't. Katie found them after Johanna died and read them all, one after the other. I think it somehow made her feel closer to her mother. Thank you, for that."

Reeling a little from all this new information, Castle says, "Uh, no problem. I'm glad they helped."

Just then, Alexis hands Jim his cocoa, then says goodnight and heads upstairs, leaving the two men alone. When she's gone, Jim says, "You must be very proud of her."

Castle motions for him to take a seat and says, "More every day, though I didn't think that could be possible. I'm sure you know what that's like."

Jim's deep love for his daughter is evident on his face when he smiles again and says, "Yeah, I know."

Castle realizes that Jim must have a very good reason for visiting. With the trivialities out of the way, he sits down opposite and waits for him to get to the point. It doesn't take long and, knowing what's at stake and what Beckett senior has already endured in his life, Castle chooses honesty, answering, "He's a trained killer."

He can see the words hit the man like a kick to the stomach, but Jim recovers almost immediately and is even brave enough to ask the question that Castle has been afraid to, "What happens when she finds him?"

And it's Castle's turn to feel that body blow, because he's actually had nightmares about that very idea; horrible, dark visions where he doesn't quite get to Lockwood in time, and then he wakes up, panting and covered in sweat, with an image of Beckett's bleeding body burned into his brain. Jim is still talking, so Castle forces those terrors to the back of his mind and pays attention. By the time Jim has finished, Castle is in shock and almost forgets to see the man out. But he remembers his manners in time to open the door and again shakes hands, saying, "Thank you, sir. I'm glad to finally meet you. I just wish it were under less…exigent circumstances."

Jim solemnly shakes hands and says, "Yes, me too." And then his voice breaks a little as he begs, "Rick, please don't let this man hurt my girl."

Castle shakes his head in rejection of the possibility and says, "He'll have to go through me to do it, because he won't get around me."

Apparently satisfied with this vow, Jim nods his head once and leaves without another word. Castle gently shuts the door and then leans his forehead against it, gasping from all the feelings threatening to overwhelm him. Because, for all his knowledge of the English language, he knows with a chilling certainty that there are simply no words that will convince Beckett to remove herself from danger. Still, he has to try, or face the truth that she may not survive her next encounter with Lockwood. So it's several hours before he's finally able to sleep and, even then, it's only to have the same nightmare again and he wakes with a desperate cry escaping his lips and the image of Beckett's dead body still painfully fresh in his mind.

* * *

Even though Castle arrives early at the precinct next morning, Beckett is already hard at work. After handing her a coffee, he's trying to set up some quiet time alone with her when Ryan interrupts with a lead. So there's no time for Castle to make his bid and they all suit up before heading to Ryker's condo. Of course, they're far too late and Beckett is shocked by the incongruence of seeing Ryker's lifeless eyes, when only two days earlier she'd been chatting and laughing with him. But it's not enough to divert her from her goal and she gets down to business, treating Ryker the same as she would any other suspect.

Despite the entire team devoting the day to exploring the young officer's life, they have nothing new by the afternoon and Beckett's frustration finally gets to her enough that she blows up at the guys. Mortified to have lost her cool in public, she leaves before shift's end with several of the case files, so Castle knows that she's not going home to rest and he realizes that, if he's going to talk her out of pursuing Lockwood, it had better be soon. He lingers at the precinct long enough to help the guys find some good news; the alias of the third cop, and they have a new trail.

After they've updated Montgomery on this new development, Castle stays behind to beg the man to take Beckett off the case. Of course, the captain knows her far too well to bother with such a futile plan and, instead, turns it back on Castle, practically begging him to dissuade Beckett from committing suicide by pursuing the case to its inevitable end. His final gambit having failed, Castle knows that there's nothing for it but to confront Beckett and do his best to persuade her to call off the hunt, even though the knowledge that he'll almost certainly fail makes him feel literally sick to his stomach.

* * *

Cursing her weakness, Beckett flees the precinct before she embarrasses herself further. At home, she pauses only long enough to put on a pair of training gloves before launching herself at the punching bag, only stopping when she's too exhausted to continue. After a quick shower and change of clothes, she sits down and starts going over the borrowed files. There's no way of knowing how long she's been at it when Josh calls and says, "Hey. You still at work?"

For a second, Beckett considers lying to him, but she's managed to avoid it so far and says, "Not exactly; homework."

Josh doesn't hesitate to say, "Okay, I'll be there soon."

"No, Josh. Not tonight. I've got too much to do."

After a second, Josh says, "It's okay, Kate. You know that I won't stop you from working."

Still slightly bitter about having been outmaneuvered the night before, Beckett says, "Castle call you again?"

"No. But I agree with him that you shouldn't be alone right now." When she doesn't reply he continues, "Look, Kate, I don't know what's going on with you…and I'm not asking you to tell me. I just…I want to help, in any way you'll let me."

Almost swayed by his sincerity, Beckett gives it serious consideration. But she knows that with Josh here, one way or another, she won't get any more work done, so she says, "If you really want to help, just give me some time to solve this, okay? It won't be forever and I'll call you soon as I'm done."

Josh is quiet for a while and then says, "I don't know, Kate. Maybe I'd better…"

Tired of being bullied, Beckett abruptly says, "Enough, Josh. I've gotta go. I'll talk to you soon."

She hears Josh sigh and then he says, "At least get some sleep, okay?"

"I will. Thanks, and I'm sorry about…anyway, I'm sorry." As the words leave her mouth, Beckett wonders what she's apologizing for, but it's done now and she leaves it at that.

After another pause, Josh says only "Night," and then he's gone.

The entire conversation is an unpleasant taste in Beckett's mouth, but she shrugs it off and gets back to work. When her phone rings again a while later, she's already angry as she picks it up, but relaxes a little on seeing that it's her father and she says, "Hey, Dad. What's wrong?"

"Other than my daughter is apparently intent on getting herself killed?"

It doesn't take long to realize who might have given her father that much information and Beckett's anger is firmly in place when she growls, "Castle called you."

"No, sweetheart, I went to see him." Too shocked at this news to say anything, Beckett is still silent when Jim explains, "I needed to know exactly what you're up against, and you clearly weren't going to tell me. Was he exaggerating?"

Despite not knowing exactly what was said, Beckett knows full well what her father is asking and she's never lied to him, so she takes one, calming breath and says, "No. But you know why I have to do this, Dad."

"I understand why you believe that, sweetheart, but it's simply not true. The only thing compelling you to see this through is your own stubbornness. There's no way she'd require this of you. In fact, she'd do a better job of stopping you than I have. Please, Katie, if not for yourself, do it for me. Just leave it alone and get on with your life."

Almost crumbling under the crushing weight of the guilt his words elicit, Beckett summons all her will to keep from breaking down as she says, "Dad…I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." And, for the first time in her life, she hangs up on her father, switching off the phone and practically throwing it on the table. After taking the time to also disable the landline, Beckett pours herself a very large drink with trembling hands and downs it in one gulp, spluttering a little as the bolstering liquid scalds her throat on the way down. And then she wipes the few drops from her chin and gets straight back to work.

* * *

After finding the courage to finally visit Beckett's apartment, Castle stands outside her door for almost a minute, running dialogue through his mind, in the hope that he'll remain calm enough to remember any of it. When he eventually gets brave enough to knock, there's a delay before Beckett says through the door, "Yeah?"

"We found something."

It's enough to gain him entrance and he reveals their latest clue. Of course, Beckett is smart enough to see through his ploy and immediately calls him on it. So, despite the fact that she's clearly angry and currently armed, he takes a deep breath and pleads his case. It goes about as well as expected, so he summons the words; the words that have terrified him for days, because he knows that failure could well mean her death and he simply says, "Walk away."

The absolute shock on Beckett's face, that he would even suggest such a thing, confirms that Castle was right to be afraid. So he turns to pleading and has even less success with that tactic when Beckett turns it against him and his fear turns to anger at the dawning realization that he's failed. Even as he insults her, calling her a coward, he wishes that he could stop it. But it's too late and she orders him from her life. Since there's nothing more to say, Castle follows her wishes one more time.

The trembling starts spreading through her body even before the sound of Castle slamming the door on his way out has faded. Finally overwhelmed, Beckett drops to her knees, gasping with the effort of keeping the tears at bay. Ultimately, she fails and then almost throws up when she realizes what she's done; driven away the one person she could count on to stand by her and see this through. When she's finally cried out, Beckett drags herself to her feet, every cell in her body screaming exhaustion and staggers to the sink to splash water on her face. She knows that there's not enough strength left in her to refuse Castle a second time, so she heads back to the precinct, certain that Montgomery will still be there, to ensure Castle doesn't get that second chance.

Still, she's a little shocked when the captain agrees to dump Castle. And, whilst his chat isn't exactly a pep talk, it inspires her to continue against the odds, because she finally has someone to stand with her and, though the words seem woefully inadequate, she says, "Thank you, sir."

* * *

Castle has already downed his second drink when his gaze comes to rest on the cover art of _Heat Rises, _proudly displayed in the corner of his study_. _Suddenly everything about it mocks him, from his name in capital letters to the silhouetted representation of Beckett's alter ego, because it's all one giant lie. He's not Jameson Rook and Beckett is not Nikki Heat. And, worst of all, there is no writing a happy ending for this story. Beckett is willingly hurtling towards her almost certain death and there's not a damn thing he can do about it.

The sound of his anger finally exploding brings Martha running. Castle is immediately contrite, as he didn't even know she was downstairs. Of course, his mother knows him well enough to guess what's wrong and he lets her bully him into confessing everything that's been bothering him. But he stalls once the details are out of the way, simply incapable of articulating his feelings, even to her. And Martha proves that she really is a good mother, by giving him the best advice he'll ever receive.

It's enough that Castle's anger dissipates and he knows that there's one more attempt left in him. So he calls Beckett, but it goes straight to voice-mail; likewise with her home phone. Not yet ready to give up on her, he heads to her apartment. Of course, there's no answer and the doorman confirms that she's not in the building. There's only one place she could be and Castle goes straight to the precinct. He nods to the Desk Sargent as he enters, expecting only an answering nod in reply, but the man calls him over. Curious, Castle approaches and says, "What's up, Lou?"

Visibly distressed, the man says, "I'm sorry, Rick, but I can't let you up there; Captain Montgomery's orders."

Castle's mouth literally drops open in shock and it's a few seconds before he's able to say, "You're not serious?"

"I'm afraid so. He was very clear on the matter."

"Beckett's behind this, isn't she?"

Lou shrugs and says, "I don't know. But, whatever the reason, I can't let you upstairs."

"I'm guessing that storming a police station is a monumentally bad idea?"

Lou can't help a slight smile at Castle words and says, "I would say so."

Castle nods and says, "Then maybe I'd better give her overnight to cool off?"

Breathing a sigh of relief that he won't need to have Castle removed from the building, Lou says, "I think that's an excellent idea. Thanks, Rick, and I really a sorry."

Already heading for the exit, Castle says, "Not your fault. Night, Lou."

* * *

This fine morning, Roy Montgomery; decorated police officer, loving father and devoted husband kisses his family goodbye, just as he does every other day. His wife suspects something is amiss, but she trusts him enough that she doesn't really question what's wrong. Because she has no idea that Roy Montgomery; decorated police officer, loving father and devoted husband has just said goodbye to his family for the last time. After they're gone, he spends the day getting his affairs in order, ensuring that the final pieces of his insurance policy to keep Beckett safe are in place and preparing for his showdown with Lockwood. Unfortunately, he's so organized that there's still hours left before he can implement his plan and he has nothing to do but watch the clock tick down the seconds to his doom. So, when Lou calls, worried about Castle, Montgomery is grateful for the distraction and heads to the 12th.

On arrival he looks at Lou in question and the man nods towards some nearby plastic chairs. Castle is sprawled across them, fast asleep, and Montgomery asks, "How long has he been here?"

Lou shrugs and says, "I came on at seven and he was already here. At his insistence, I called Detective Beckett, but she refuses to even speak with him, let alone come down here. He got a bit desperate after a while. But, thankfully, he's not willing to risk hurting anyone by seriously trying to force his way in." Lou stares straight at his superior officer and his words are a plea when he says, "And I'm reluctant to risk hurting _him_ by having him removed."

Montgomery has heard the unspoken request and says, "It's okay, Lou. I'll take care of it, thanks."

It takes some effort to rouse Castle. When he does finally open his eyes, Montgomery is stabbed in the heart by the look of enormous burden in the writer's eyes and Castle says, "I'm sorry, sir. I tried. But she wouldn't listen." He clutches the captain's arm and begs, "Please let me up there. I won't tell her what to do. I just…she mustn't face this alone."

Montgomery helps Castle to sit up and then says, "She won't, son, I promise. I'll see to it personally. And I might need you, but you're no use to me like this. Go home and get some rest. I'll call you if anything changes."

Castle is already shaking his head at the idea of abandoning Beckett and says, "No, I'll wait."

Montgomery sighs and looks around the room, then says, "Every cop in here knows and respects you, Castle. Do you honestly intend to force them to drag you out of here?"

Castle leans forward, his head in his hands, so his answer is muffled when he groans, "No." And then he sits up and says, "Promise me, Roy, that you won't let her face Lockwood alone."

It's the honest-to-God truth when Montgomery says, "She won't face him at all, Castle. I swear it."

Satisfied with the conviction in the man's tone, Castle nods and says, "Thank you, sir."

Castle drags himself to his feet, stretching out the consequences of napping on plastic chairs and pauses only long enough to thank Lou before heading home. Thankfully, the apartment is empty and he finally has something decent to eat before catching some more sleep. He wakes with a start a couple of hours later and immediately calls Beckett. Of course, she doesn't answer. So he grabs a shower and changes his clothes just before Montgomery calls and Castle answers, "Anything?"

It sounds like the captain is on the road and he says, "I need your help after all. I thought that I could trap them without using her as bait. But they're watching her, so I had to actually call her and you need to…"

Completely confused, Castle interrupts with, "Sir? Are you talking about Beckett? Trap whom?"

"I don't have time to explain. Just get to the chopper hangar in New Jersey and get Beckett out of there."

"Wait, Roy, what the hell is going on? Just talk to me."

Almost shouting, Montgomery says, "There's no time, Castle! If you're late, she'll already be dead."

Despite the urgency of the call, Castle stares at the phone for a second after Montgomery hangs up, his brain struggling to process the conversation. But he heard the part that meant Beckett is in danger, so he rings downstairs for the doorman to arrange a cab, even as he's putting on his shoes. The car's there by the time he reaches the ground floor and Castle throws enough money at the cabbie to ensure they'll reach the hangar in record time.

Even so, he spots Beckett's car when he arrives at the airfield and his heart threatens to stop at the knowledge that maybe he's too late after all. But, on entering the hangar, he spots her and can hear Montgomery talking. So his heart rate starts to settle down. However, as he approaches Beckett, he can tell from her posture that something is very wrong even before she says, "Did you kill my mother?"

Not understanding any of it, Castle's footsteps automatically slow as he lets the conversation play out. Of course, it's only seconds later that the pieces begin to fall into place and he realizes that Montgomery must be the third cop they've been looking for. Once that penny drops, he understands that the captain has risked everything to lure Lockwood and his henchmen here and that he means to confront them alone. Only when he spots the vehicle approaching does Castle step into view, ready to do whatever is necessary to keep Beckett safe.

Predictably, Beckett resists the idea of leaving Montgomery to face the danger alone. Because she cannot comprehend, or refuses to accept what Castle understood almost immediately; the captain has no intention of surviving the fight. Without knowing all the details, Castle knows that nothing less than profound need could induce Montgomery to abandon his family like this and it occurs to him that perhaps this final battle is even to keep Evelyn and the girls safe. He tries a few times to get Beckett to leave under her own steam. But, as Lockwood's vehicle rapidly approaches, he abandons any semblance of courtesy and lifts Beckett off the ground to carry her away from harm.

Of course, Beckett struggles. She struggles so much that Castle has to angle her legs away from his body or risk serious injury and he realizes that he's missed one of her arms only when sharp pain explodes across his ribcage. But it's not nearly enough to make him stop. By the time Castle has left the hangar, he can feel the fight going out of her and gratefully lets Beckett's feet touch the ground as he shepherds her towards the car. Terrified that Lockwood will hear her desperate cries, he tries to quiet her, but she's too far gone in grief to listen. So he covers her mouth with one hand as he tries to soothe her with the other and all he can think to say is, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"

When Castle is certain that the gun battle is over, he releases Beckett and she sprints into the hangar. But he doesn't follow. He's not ready to see Montgomery lying there and know that maybe the man he's admired for years would be alive if Beckett had stood by his side. Of course, Castle is smart enough to know that Beckett might have also been killed in that scenario. But there's no way of knowing for sure and he's certain that this particular "what if" will haunt him for years to come.

Eventually, he finds the strength to go inside. He's not sure if it's been seconds or minutes, but Beckett is still on her knees beside Montgomery's body, her shoulders shaking as she silently weeps. His heart breaking, Castle bends down to touch her shoulder and says, "Kate." When she ignores him, he says, "Kate, you have to call it in."

Her voice distorted by grief, Beckett says, "How long have you known?"

Mystified, Castle says, "Known what?"

"That Montgomery is the third cop."

With all that's happened, Castle wouldn't have thought it possible that he could feel worse, but her lack of trust adds another layer to his despair that threatens to remove his ability to function and his voice cracks as he says, "A few seconds after I got here." He clears his throat to conceal his anguish and then adds, "Kate, someone will have heard those shots. You need to call it in and we need to have our story in place before the local police get here. And we need to do it right now."

Nodding her acquiescence, Beckett gets to her feet and takes a second to compose herself before calling it in. New Jersey police saturate the location a few minutes before Ryan and Esposito arrive. Relieved beyond words that Beckett and Castle are okay, they're nevertheless devastated to see that Montgomery didn't make it. When she has a quiet moment, Beckett says to the guys, "My place, soon as we're done."

* * *

It's almost dawn before they're allowed to leave. Esposito insists on taking Beckett's keys. Castle automatically gives up the front passenger seat, knowing that Beckett will want it if she's not driving and sits on the left where he can keep an eye on her. So he's both surprised and pleased when she climbs in the back with him. It's then that Castle realizes he has no idea how Beckett currently feels about him. So he's careful to avoid contact and says nothing, waiting to see what she'll do next. After a while, Beckett says, "Montgomery called you after he'd called me, didn't he?"

"Uh, I can't know for sure. He didn't say much. But it looks that way. I think he was already en route."

Beckett nods as she absorbs this and then says, "And he made you believe that I'd be killed if you didn't get me out of there."

This reopens a fresh wound and Castle winces as if she's hit him before he says, "I'm not sure he was wrong."

Beckett shrugs and says, "We'll never know, will we?"

They're both surprised when, his voice devoid of emotion, Esposito suddenly says, "Cap wanted it like this. He made it so that it couldn't go down any other way. It's not on you, Castle. It's not on any of us."

Castle can see that Esposito's words reach Beckett and he silently vows to thank his friend properly later. After nodding her acknowledgement of Esposito's words, Beckett is quiet again for a while and then says to Castle, "I'm sorry."

Castle actually shakes his head in confusion at what she could possibly need to apologize for and then says, "Uh, okay."

Beckett could leave it at that. She knows that Castle will forgive her without requiring an explanation. Instead, she holds up a hand to count off her sins and says, "If I'd done as you asked last night, instead of sending you away, this couldn't have happened. If you'd been with me when Roy called, this couldn't have happened. And, if I'd remembered who you are, I would never have accused you of knowing what he had planned. I'm sorry."

And, just like that, the tight band of grief around Castle's heart eases a little. He grins and says, "You forgot to mention the damage to my shins when I hauled you out of there."

Even though she knew he'd forgive her, Beckett breathes an unsteady sigh of relief at this validation and says, "No, that part you deserved."

Grateful that there's any shred of their friendship left after what he's done, Castle isn't quite brave enough to break the ensuing silence. They've hit rush hour and the traffic is crawling. Eventually, the delay proves too much for Castle and he attempts a laugh before saying, "I didn't think you'd ever forgive me."

Apparently serious, Beckett says, "I haven't." At his obvious confusion, she explains, "I will _never_ agree with what you did. But, Javi's right; Montgomery set this up so that you wouldn't feel like you had a choice. Just like he didn't feel like he had a choice in facing Lockwood alone."

The damage done to the trust he's taken almost three years to build up makes Castle feel physically ill. But, considering he didn't expect Beckett to even be speaking to him, it's better than he'd hoped for and he says, "Thank you, Kate."

They eventually reach Beckett's apartment. She waits until Ryan arrives and then they all sit down and go over everything, until they're sure of what happened. A couple of things come to light that had remained hidden from Beckett until now. Esposito recalls that the captain had been putting aside time every day for months to practice marksmanship. She's also surprised to hear that it was Montgomery who persuaded Castle to finally leave the precinct foyer, and only by promising that he would take Castle's place by her side. When they're sure of the facts, they collaborate on a believable story to protect Montgomery's memory, so that the mistakes of his past don't wipe out every good thing he's done since then. And so that his family will never know him as anything other than a hero.

By the time it's done, every single one of them is beyond tired, so Beckett calls a halt and doesn't resist when first Ryan and then Esposito embrace her before leaving; Ryan's face still moist with tears. Castle is surprised when she shuts the door after the guys, effectively barring his exit, and he waits for an explanation. Beckett's back is still to him, her hands on the door, when she says, "I thought you were calling to try and talk me out of it again."

Castle realizes that she must be talking about the twenty-odd times he called yesterday, trying to explain and he says, "No. I did try again that night. But, when I couldn't get to you I spent hours thinking about it and concluded that, ultimately, it doesn't matter a damn what you do, so long as I'm with you." That brings her gaze to his and Castle's heart expands with love at the benevolence shining from her eyes. Emboldened by her compassion, he continues, "Roy swore to me that you would never have to face Lockwood. Of course, he left out the part where that was only possible if I…" It's suddenly too much for Castle and he can't finish. Instead, he takes one, unsteady breath and reveals, "He said that if I was late, you'd already be dead. When I got there and saw your car I...God, I'm so sorry, Kate. If I'd had more time I could have worked out a way to save both of you, but…"

Beckett has reached him and puts her fingers on his lips saying, "Sshh. Please stop apologizing. It's not your fault." Castle is too wrung out to comply or protest when Beckett then slides her arms around his waist. After a second, she chuckles and says, "This part requires your cooperation."

Castle is trying to remember the last time he heard her laugh even as he puts his arms around her. Unfortunately, the movement drags on the injury to his ribs and he can't help a sharp intake of breath at the pain. Beckett notices and draws back to look at him in question. Trying to make light of it, he forces a grin and says, "Apparently, your right elbow is still a formidable weapon."

Stepping out of his arms, Beckett says, "Why the hell didn't you say something? You could have seen the paramedics at the scene."

"We don't need more questions and it's fine, honest. I know what broken feels like." Beckett is already in the process of making a call. Worried that she's calling an ambulance, Castle puts his hand over hers to stop her and says, "I'm not going to hospital."

Beckett sighs at his obstinacy and says, "Josh. I'm calling Josh. It's either that or you _will_ go to hospital, if I have to get the guys back here to make you."

Relieved beyond words that the balance of power in their relationship has apparently been restored, Castle removes his hand and says, "Yes, sir."

Without really listening, Castle hears Beckett's part of the conversation as she says, "Hey." "Yeah, they finally let us go. I'm home now." "I will. But I need a favor first." She flicks a nervous glance at Castle and then continues, "Not that sort of favor. Uh, Castle is here and may have busted a rib, so…no, no, I'm absolutely fine. But we can't risk filling out a bunch of forms at Emergency and…" "Yes, I know all that, hence my use of the word _favor_." "Thanks. I'll see you soon."

Almost feeling sorry for Josh, Castle says, "Not happy?"

Beckett shrugs and says, "Not exactly. But he'll do it."

Castle smiles and says, "Of course he will. I seriously doubt that there's anything he _wouldn't_ do for you."

Uncomfortable with the conversation, Beckett says, "Coffee?"

Smiling at her evasion, Castle says, "Thanks. Want me to help?"

"No. Just sit down and try not to breathe too hard."

As he heads to the sofa, Castle says, "I can do that."

Feeling tired enough that she might pass out at any second, Beckett makes the coffees on auto-pilot. Of course, Castle is already fast asleep. So she sits the cup beside him and drains hers, then heads for the bedroom to change and shower. Just putting her badge on the nightstand almost brings her undone when she suddenly remembers the day Montgomery presented it to her. She'd already made Detective, but he wanted the privilege of actually giving her the badge. With a supreme effort, she holds in the tears until she's under the shower.

When she emerges, feeling somewhat better, Castle is awake. His concerned expression confirms that he knows she's been crying. Wary, at first, she's grateful when he makes no comment and then she says, "Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Feel better?"

"Some. Though obviously disappointed that I slept through you having a shower."

Beckett knows that he's trying to cheer her up, but she's simply too tired to let him and says, "How about you get some more sleep? I'll wake you when Josh gets here."

At first disappointed that she won't play, Castle meekly nods and kicks off his shoes before stretching out on the sofa. When she's certain that he's asleep, Beckett gently covers him with the crocheted blanket from the sofa, then sits in an armchair to watch over him. In sleep, the lines of concern that had seemed permanently etched on his features recently are finally erased. Even so, Beckett is struck by how much he seems to have aged in the past week and she wonders if he'll ever really recover…if any of them will. Roy Montgomery's literal rookie mistake will have repercussions for years to come. Even thinking the captain's name threatens to overwhelm her again, so Beckett returns her attention to Castle, somehow reassured just knowing that he's here and that he's okay.

She's woken by a knock on the door and, for a moment, is confused by the sight of Castle fast asleep on her sofa. But, in the moment after that it all comes flooding back and she scrubs at her face, then drags her fingers through her hair before going to open the door for Josh. He's carrying a backpack of supplies and, though she can't know exactly what he sees in her face, Beckett guesses it must be pretty bad when his eyes widen in shock and his jaw clenches in distress before he drops the backpack and silently enfolds her in his arms.

Not even Beckett is strong enough to withstand that sort of treatment and the tears flow again. When she stops trembling, Josh releases her enough to kiss her in desperate need and then whispers, "Kate. Kate, thank God you're okay."

Almost back in control of her emotions, Beckett's voice breaks a little as she says, "Roy's dead, Josh, and Castle…" She realizes almost too late that some details must remain a secret and calms herself before continuing, "I couldn't stop it. I tried."

Her anguish hits him like a physical blow, but Josh stays strong enough to draw her to him again and says, "Hey, it's not your fault. It'll be okay. So long as you're safe." When he feels her body start to resist the embrace, he releases her and satisfies himself with merely keeping contact with her arms as he says, "It's over?"

A cold slice of fear goes through him when Beckett coolly says, "For now."

Josh only nods, not quite strong enough to immediately trust his voice. And then he gestures towards Castle, still asleep on the sofa and says, "Busted rib?"

Beckett turns to look at Castle and says, "He doesn't seem to think so, but I want to make sure. Oh, and could you check out his shins, too? There're some nasty contusions there that may have chipped the bone."

Josh grabs his backpack, already easing into doctor mode and says, "Which room is Triage?"

"Uh, bedroom I guess, but it doesn't really matter."

Josh nods and heads to the patient. It takes a few seconds to wake him and Castle looks confused for a moment before his memory returns the worry lines to his face and his gaze darts around the room until he spots Beckett. Satisfied that she's okay, he sits up and says, "Hey, Doc. Sorry about this, but she insisted."

Josh is smart enough to know that any injuries Castle sustained must have been acquired while protecting Beckett, so he puts aside his resentment of his rival and gestures to the bedroom as he says, "Yeah, she does that."

Enormously grateful for Josh's gracious cooperation, Beckett protests, "Hey, I'm right here."

Josh even finds the strength to smile and says to Beckett, "I see you. And maybe you could make us some breakfast, instead of just standing there?"

He's rewarded by Beckett's grateful smile, though it's not enough to erase the pain in her eyes and she says, "Maybe I could."

* * *

As soon as the bedroom door closes on the two men, Castle says, "I really am fine. You don't have to do this."

Josh offers a weak smile and says, "Yes, I do. Or I'll never hear the end of it." And then he orders, "Let's see the damage."

It's with some difficulty and a fair deal of pain that Castle removes his jacket and unbuttons his shirt to finally see the physical price of keeping Beckett safe; an already purpling, raised bruise the size of man's fist on the right side of his ribs and an angry redness surrounding it. Josh is holding a device that reminds Castle of a price scanner and he says, "X-ray?"

"No. Even a portable x-ray machine is too big to fit in my backpack. We'll have to make do with ultrasound imaging, but it'll give me some idea of what's going on. Unfortunately for you, that means I'll have to push the wand against the wound." And then he grins and adds, "So it's going to hurt like hell."

Castle can well understand the man's glee and says, "Yeah, well try not to enjoy it too much, okay?"

Josh gestures to the bed and says, "Sit down, in case you feel faint." When Castle is ready, Josh squats before him and says, "Hand on my shoulder and try to keep still."

Next, he spreads the cool gel over the site and Castle says, "Not too bad…kind of soothing, actually."

Josh's feral grin is back as he says, "I haven't started yet."

When Josh does begin the exam, Castle can't help gasping at the fresh pain. But thereafter he contents himself with clutching Josh's shoulder and breathing through the discomfort. When it's done, Castle is panting with the effort of controlling his reaction and he's glistening with sweat. He takes a moment to recover while he buttons his shirt and then says, "What's the verdict?"

"You're right; nothing broken and no internal damage that I can see. But you'll be sore for quite a while yet. Over-the-counter analgesics will suffice, but give me a call if you're at all concerned, okay?"

Castle nods and says, "I will. Thanks, Josh. You're…anyway, thanks."

Josh smiles at Castle's awkwardness and then says, "Okay, shins next."

"No, it's nothing serious. I'll be fine."

"Come on. You know she'll give me hell if I don't check."

Castle smiles and says, "Yeah, I guess so."

He removes his shoes and jeans, only then noticing that Beckett kicked him hard enough to break the skin and bring up a few bruised welts. Josh retrieves disposable gloves from the backpack and puts them on before poking and prodding the marks, ignoring Castle's hiss of pain. After a while, Josh sits back and says, "They'll get ugly, but you'll live. Just keep them clean."

Josh looks suddenly very tired and Castle realizes that the past few days have not been easy on him either and gets dressed as he says, "I'm sorry about this. There're good reasons why she can't tell you everything."

With a sad smile, Josh says, "I know. It's just…it's not nice feeling like I'm the one on the outside of our little love triangle."

Castle actually laughs in shock and says, "I don't think you have any idea what that feels like."

Josh looks at him and says, "No?" He gestures to Castle's shins and explains, "Those were done by heels; a woman's heels, and I'd bet my medical license that they match those boots Kate insists on wearing. I'm not an idiot, Rick. Whatever went down at that airfield was bad enough that you risked destroying everything you and Kate have to remove her from danger. Yet all I'll ever know about it is what I can glean from the news reports. And, the worst part is; she's already forgiven you." Castle's expression has confirmed that it's all true, but Josh still asks, "Or am I mistaken?"

Acutely uncomfortable with the anguish evident in the man's eyes, Castle again says, "I'm sorry."

Josh shakes his head as he starts packing up and then says, "Not your fault. She just doesn't love me. But I love her, more than I thought possible, so I owe you everything for taking that risk." After a second he sighs and, though he knows the answer, asks, "You won't mention any of this?"

Castle swallows at the burden of yet another secret and says, "Not a word."

They're both quiet for a few seconds, lost in thought and then Josh says, "Suddenly, I don't feel like sharing breakfast with you."

Castle nods and says, "No problem. Give me a head start and I'll make my excuses, okay?"

When Josh says nothing, Castle heads for the door. He's reaching for the handle when Josh says, "Thank you."

Amazed at the man's forbearance, Castle decides it deserves a reward, so he says, "Get some decent coffee in your place." Without looking back to see if his words were understood, Castle heads to the kitchen and says to Beckett, "Passed with flying colors and now, if you'll excuse me, I have about fifteen hours of sleep to catch up on."

Beckett frowns and says, "You're not staying for breakfast?"

Already salivating at the smell of bacon and eggs frying, Castle sadly says, "No, sorry. But I'll see you soon?"

Still a little confused, Beckett says, "Yeah, Castle, see you soon." Only seconds later Josh emerges from the bedroom and Beckett asks, "Did you send him away?"

Josh manages a smile and says, "You think that I could make him do anything, when even you can't control him?" Then he sobers and confesses, "I may have mentioned that I'd like time alone with you."

Beckett isn't very surprised and nods before saying, "But, he's okay?"

"He will be. You'll have to do better than that if you really want to put him out of commission."

That shocks her and Beckett recoils a little as she says, "Josh, I…you can't say anything, to anybody." She might as well have struck him and Josh visibly struggles to maintain his composure before heading to the door. Immediately contrite, Beckett pleads, "Josh! Josh, I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't do that. I'm just…God, I'm so tired."

Josh puts his backpack by the door and explains, "Just making sure I don't forget this stuff when I leave, or there really will be questions asked." By the time he reaches her, Beckett is both smiling and weeping. Josh wipes away her tears and tenderly says, "Crybaby."

When they've had breakfast, Josh eating Castle's portion with ease, Beckett starts on the washing up and Josh says, "I'll do that. Go to bed, before you fall down."

Beckett nods and holds out a hand to him, saying, "Come with me."

He knows that tone and says, "Kate, you're running on empty. You need sleep."

Still holding out her hand for him, she says, with a wan smile, "I need you more."

Even if he wanted to, Josh couldn't resist that smile, so he lets her lead him to the bedroom and does his best to be everything she needs. Still, when he leaves her sleeping form hours later, he knows exactly why he has the _Meatloaf_ song "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" playing in his head.

* * *

Castle is grateful that the apartment is empty when he gets home. Despite still reminiscing about the meal he left behind at Beckett's apartment, he's too tired to bother with cooking and satisfies the gnawing emptiness with toast and orange juice before swilling down a couple of painkillers and then falling into bed, not even bothering to remove his shirt. When he wakes it's to see that the cityscape through his study windows is already gilt with the end of another day and he realizes that Roy Montgomery has been dead almost twenty-four hours.

He can hear Martha and Alexis in the kitchen. They didn't harass him for details when he called this morning to let them know he was safe. But he knows that, by now, they will have seen the news reports and he isn't quite ready to face their sorrow. Instead, he takes another couple of pills and the longest, hottest shower his body can stand. An old, tired man looks back at him from the mirror. So he does what he can to erase those symptoms before getting dressed and going out to greet his family.

It's immediately obvious that, despite the cheerful banter, they've both been crying. Alexis is first to reach him and he readies himself enough that he doesn't react when her crushing embrace hits his injured ribs. They stand together for a few seconds, in silence, and then it's Martha's turn. She eventually releases him and says, "How's Kate?"

Castle shrugs and says, "Much as you'd expect. But Josh was there when I left."

Alexis says, "Do you want to help with dinner? It's fine if you'd rather just rest."

Castle brings her back to his side with one arm and kisses her forehead, then says, "I'd love to. I just have to make one phone call, okay?"

Both women are smart enough to work out whom he needs to call and they get back to work without comment as he heads to the study. Castle sits at his desk and stares at the phone for several seconds before he summons the courage to use it. He almost drops it when Montgomery's recorded voice says, "If you're looking for Roy, Evelyn, 'Becca or Mary you're out of luck, so leave a message."

By the time it beeps, Castle has recovered enough to speak and says, "Eve? It's Rick. I'm just…if there's anything you need, please call me, okay? I…"

When he hears the click that means someone is picking up the phone, he waits and Evelyn's voice is a hoarse caricature of her normal dulcet tones when she says, "Rick? Rick, you were there?"

Suddenly feeling like he can't breathe, Castle gulps for air and can only manage, "Yes."

A desperate plea in her voice, she says, "_Please_ tell me what happened. You know that they won't tell me a goddamned thing while they're investigating."

It's the strongest language he's ever heard from her lips and indicates the strain she's under. Castle takes another deep breath and gives her the lie they worked out, despite the fact that every word makes the bile rise in his throat. He almost finishes before he breaks down and finally weeps, able to give her the literal truth when he says, "I couldn't see a way to save them both, Eve. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

Evelyn Montgomery; widow for a day, says, "Hush, Rick. It's not your fault. You know that, if someone had to die, he'd rather it were him."

Her capacity for grace removes his ability to speak for several seconds and, when he does finally find his voice, it's a hoarse rasp, scarcely above a whisper as he begs, "Can I do anything?"

"No, sweetheart, we're fine. But thank you, for calling. You'll be there?"

Castle knows that she's talking about the funeral and says, "Of course. Uh, look, Eve…it's crass, I know. But, may I contribute? He deserves the best."

"Bob already called; he'll have the best." And then she says, "I have to go. Thanks again, Rick. I'll let you know the details later."

Glad it's over, Castle sighs and says, "Okay. Thanks. And…I really am sorry, more than I can possibly say."

"No need. Thank you, Rick, for being there with him."

When she's gone, Castle is momentarily paralyzed by how wrong she got it; in the end he wasn't there. In the end, he abandoned his friend to die. When he's finally able to move, it's only to rush to the en suite and let the rising bile win. When his stomach is empty, he repairs his appearance once more before going out to grieve with his family.

* * *

Two days before the funeral, Castle is already asleep when his cellphone rings. He's fended off so many calls from those who care about him, including a very grateful Jim Beckett, and assumes it's someone he's forgotten. Instead, it's Beckett. He jolts awake and answers, "Hey. What's wrong?"

It sounds like she's been drinking when she says, "Can you get over here? I need your help."

"I'm on my way."

When Beckett answers his knock at her door, Castle is a little shocked at her appearance. She's obviously been crying and, by the smell of whiskey emanating from her, definitely been drinking. She gestures a little too extravagantly that he should enter and then says, "Evelyn wants me to speak. But…I can't…what can I possibly say?" She's walking towards her dining table and Castle notices everything, from the many crumpled pieces of paper on the floor, to the half-empty bottle of scotch beside the notepad.

He walks over and caps the bottle, putting it in the kitchen along with the glass that he empties down the sink and then he pours Beckett a glass of water and says, "Sit down and drink that." When she's obeying him, he sits down opposite her and gestures to the notepad, saying, "May I?"

Despite having asked for his help, Beckett hesitates for a second and then nervously says, "Please."

Castle reads the words and then reads them again. He lets out all his emotion in one, long breath and then says, "Don't change a goddamn thing."

Visibly relieved, Beckett says, "Really? You don't think it's too…"

Castle shakes his head and interrupts, "Not a single word, Kate. It's perfect."

Beckett breathes a sigh of relief, nods her head and says, "Thank you." She's gently biting her bottom lip. Castle knows that particular nervous habit very well and waits patiently until she says, "Will you stand with me when I speak? Otherwise, I'm not sure I'll get through it and…and I don't want to let him down."

Surprised, Castle says, "But…Josh?"

Beckett shakes her head and says, "Josh has been incredible. But, he can't understand what this means to me. Please, Rick?"

Castle smiles at that and says, "Have you ever noticed that you only use my first name when you want something from me?"

Beckett answers his smile with one of her own and says, "Because it works."

She knows that Castle will be there for her yet again when he says, "Yes, it does." And then he drags his gaze from hers and looks around as he says, "Need a hand cleaning up?"

"No, I'll do it. Thanks, Castle. If you hadn't come round I would have been up all night writing different versions of the same words."

Castle laughs and says, "Done that…do that, actually. Get some sleep, okay? And lay off the booze, or I'll call your father."

Already walking him to the door, Beckett smiles and says, "Yes, sir."

At the door, he says, "See you at the funeral home?"

Beckett nods and then says, "Can I ride with you?"

Surprised, Castle says, "You mean, with me driving?"

"Cut it out, Castle. You know that I've let you drive before."

"Yeah; maybe twice since I've known you."

With a wicked grin, she says, "Please, _Rick_?"

Castle shakes his head and points a finger at her, saying, "That is so not fair. Okay, you can ride with me. But it'll be in a cab, as I wasn't going to drive there anyway. Close enough?"

"Close enough. Night, Castle."

"Night, Kate."

* * *

Captain Roy Montgomery is to be buried with full honors; his body adorned with one more medal, in recognition of his heroic last stand. Despite his misgivings, Castle eventually caved in to Evelyn's requests and is the only civilian pallbearer. The subdued convoy from the funeral home is long, as countless family, friends and colleagues show up to pay their last respects to the fallen hero. And the cemetery is a sea of royal-blue with over two hundred of his colleagues in attendance.

It goes about as well as such events can, with only the perfect, blue sky seeming out of place. Eventually, it's Beckett's turn to speak and she's trembling as she approaches the podium, terrified that she doesn't have the strength to stand in front of everyone and do justice to the captain's memory. But, as promised, Castle is by her side; his calming presence a reminder that she's never really alone. Still, she falters a little and has to keep referring to her notes. So only Castle sees the glint of sunlight on glass and, too many seconds later, only Castle comprehends that what he's seeing is the scope of a rifle.

Suddenly, the few feet between them seems like an impossible distance. But he can't stop himself from trying to beat the bullet and knocks her to the ground. As he sits up, Castle can feel Beckett's arm reaching for him and dares to hope that he was fast enough, after all. But then he sees her eyes staring blankly ahead and the atrocity of red marring her white cotton gloves. Some tiny part of his brain registers the bedlam that ensues in the seconds after that single gunshot shatters the somber calm. But all he can see is Beckett, as the life leaves her weeping eyes. And suddenly nothing is more important than letting her know how he feels. So he finally speaks the words, "I love you." He sees the acceptance in her eyes and she tries to smile, but there's not enough left in her to respond and her eyes close as Castle's tears fall on her face.

* * *

When she knows that she's dying, Beckett tries to tell him, tries to say that she's sorry, for so much; every time she's failed to trust him, any time she's ever hurt him and every single time she's pushed him away. And then she needs to thank him; that he trusted her anyway, that he forgave her every single time and, above all else, that he always came back. But she just can't seem to make her body do her bidding. So she's already weeping for lost opportunities when his anguished face comes into view. And then he says the words, the words that have terrified her since her mother died and suddenly nothing in the world is more important than telling him that she's no longer afraid. But, in the end, the woman with enough heart to snare Richard Castle proves him wrong one more time when her damaged heart fails to let her speak.

So she's unaware of everything from that moment until she wakes the next day to the sounds of a busy Intensive Care Unit, confused by that simple act and wracked with pain. At the cemetery, she's already unconscious when Lanie breaks free from Esposito and races to her prone form, pushing Castle out of the way to begin CPR. She never finds out that it's Lanie who ensures Castle's seat in the ambulance, because one glance at his tortured countenance is enough to confirm that, if Beckett dies without him, he would never recover. Beckett is technically in a coma when her beleaguered heart can no longer find the strength to get oxygen to her brain, so she doesn't hear Lanie screaming at her to live. Nor does she hear Castle's howl of pain when he finally accepts that she's gone, so she misses the indescribable look of relief on his face when Lanie and the paramedic force her back to life.

Of course, she's still oblivious when Josh, a gentle giant of a man who could never be induced to hurt her, is forced to cut into her flesh in an attempt to save her life, his shoes covered in her blood. And she only finds out weeks later that Josh, having been ordered away from her side without knowing if his efforts were successful, vents all his frustrations on Castle in the most violent act of his entire life. Sadly, she doesn't get to witness her father's quiet courage when he takes control of the situation as if he's always possessed such strength.

But she dreams; tortured dreams at first, evil visions where she's forced to relive recent events, from the moment when Montgomery reveals the depth of his betrayal, to the shocking impact of the high-caliber bullet tearing into her body. But then her mind takes pity on her and replays the scene at the hangar as she'd want it; Castle doesn't make it in time to keep her from standing by Montgomery and she dies by his side, reaching for his hand with all the strength that remains in her.

Next she dreams of her mother, but not as she was in that alley. Rather, all the times before that; picnicking in Central Park, ice-skating at Rockefeller Center, trying to put up a tent in the rain because they'd gone camping on a whim without checking the forecast, cooking together and not caring how much mess they made, her Mom's teary-eyed pride at Graduation, her youthful disgust every time her parents kissed because they couldn't help but show their love for each other. And, finally, a series of distant memories, going back through the years, of every time she fell down and her mother's smiling face was there, giving her the strength to get back on her feet.

It's enough to rouse her from the coma, but not even a mother's love can shield Beckett from the shock of waking up to a nightmare worse than any her subconscious could conjure. So that, when she wakes the next day to the sounds of a busy Intensive Care Unit, confused by that simple act and wracked with pain, she weeps. The sound wakes Josh from his post by her bed and he stands up to comfort her. Of course, he completely misinterprets her tears, saying, "Sshh, it's all right, Kate. It's all right. You're safe now."

When she recovers enough to stop sobbing, Beckett says, "Roy's dead?"

Horrified that she had to learn that fact all over again, Josh flinches at the pain in her voice and says, "Yes."

And then he remembers his duty and shows her the button that will administer extra morphine if she needs it, though he doesn't really expect her to use it and then gives her the clinical details of her surgery and expected recovery. Josh can see that her thoughts are elsewhere, but one detail reaches her and Beckett says, "Did you say _two months_?"

Josh winces again, his heart aching for her and says, "Maybe more. And that's only if you do everything the physio says, which you won't."

It's such an accurate assessment of her personality that Beckett manages a weak smile and says, "Then I'll apologize now."

Josh curbs his smile and solemnly pronounces, "Accepted."

It's only then that Beckett notices the ID clip on his belt and works out that she's seeing the hospital where Josh works from a whole new angle. Horrified, she says, "Oh, God, Josh…you were on duty when I…"

Josh can see that she's already blaming herself for him going through the trauma of seeing her on the gurney. So he grasps her hand a little tighter and interrupts with, "Hey, it's okay. It's fine. I'd rather have been there. And the rules forbid me from operating on you. Kovaks got here in time. He's a good guy. He'll look after you."

It's the closest Josh has come to lying to her. But he doesn't regret a syllable when his words do the trick and she starts to relax. Still, he struggles to maintain his composure when she feels the need to say, "I'm sorry."

Shaking his head, Josh says, "No need. Just get better, okay? None of that matters if you just get well."

Satisfied that she doesn't need to add Josh's ordeal to her list of crimes, Beckett smiles and says, "Doctor's orders?"

Incredibly relieved that his ploy seems to have worked, Josh declares, "Absolutely." And then he sighs and says, "Now that you're awake, I've got a ton of phone calls to make. However, I think it's best if we keep them from busting down the doors until you're moved to Post-Op."

Already exhausted, Beckett wearily nods and says, "Can I see my Dad, though?"

Josh smiles and says, "I think you'll have to. He only left to get some rest because I promised to sit with you. Get some sleep, okay? I'll check on you later."

When he lingers for a second, Beckett realizes why and she smiles before saying, "I'm wounded, Josh, not broken."

Josh gasps in relief at receiving permission and, mindful of her injuries, embraces her as best he can, pouring all his feelings into a deceptively tender kiss and then rests his forehead against hers for a second and whispers, "I love you." He's gone before Beckett can think of a reply.

It's only then that the gaps in her memory, temporarily hidden from her conscious mind, suddenly reappear; the knowledge that she's been mortally wounded, Castle tackling her a fraction of a second too late and then his grief-stricken profession of love. So, despite the drugs in her system and her body's dire need to rest and heal, her tortured thoughts keep her awake for quite a while before she eventually succumbs. When she next wakes her father is by her side, holding her hand and searching her face for reassurance or maybe redemption, and Beckett's voice breaks as she says, "Dad."

Jim gasps at the level of need in her voice. But he's had time to prepare for the possibility that not even his daughter will have the strength to cope with everything that's happened. He asks nothing of her, not in word or gesture. Instead he grasps her hand a little tighter and promises, "I'm here, Katie. I'm right here."

There's so much that Beckett wants to tell him, but she recognizes his words as a promise that he won't fail her this time, like he did when her mother was killed. And the tension leaves her body in one, long sigh because she knows that everything can wait except for this next breath. Less than a minute later, she's asleep and Jim Beckett finally weeps, satisfied that she's strong enough after all.

* * *

It takes some doing, but Castle receives permission to visit Beckett on the morning after she's transferred to Post-Op, hours before regular visiting hours. Until he received the news that she was awake and out of danger, he'd only been home to change his clothes. Unable to face the thought of ever wearing that suit again, still covered in her blood, he'd simply thrown it in the trash, then put on whatever his hands reached first and headed back to the precinct. But he's been home now, finally slept in his bed and then spent a ridiculous amount of time getting ready to see her.

Only when his hands are trembling too much to risk shaving without injury does he get brave enough to examine why he's so nervous. With all that's happened, and everything that's passed between them recently, he knows that those three little words and her possible response is the ultimate reason for the fear clasping his heart and the thrill humming through his veins. He simply hadn't expected to face this…after the fact. They were meant to be his goodbye to her, so that she'd know, as she died, that she was worthy of love. But, now faced with the reality of having said the words that change everything, he can't regret it. Once he accepts that fact, the fear leaves and only the thrill remains.

He's actually inside the building before he notices that he's completely forgotten the customary gift. Smiling at this further evidence of his trepidation, Castle buys the best flowers that the hospital has to offer and heads to Beckett's room. He's disappointed, but unsurprised, to find Josh by her side. He's not seen the surgeon since their altercation outside the Trauma Unit. Confident that Josh will be a gentleman, Castle warily watches him leave and then turns his attention to Beckett. Unable to reconcile the fact that Beckett is sitting before him with a quiet smile on her lips, when he had accepted her death only a couple of days ago, Castle almost can't speak and finally manages, "Hey."

Beckett misinterprets his stare and then looks shocked when she instantly comprehends that he'd been forced to endure the possibility of living without her. It gets easier after that, until the moment when Castle realizes that Beckett doesn't remember his last words to her. Sick to his stomach that it was all for nothing, Castle almost says it again. But Beckett suddenly looks afraid. Castle cannot know all the reasons for her fear, but it doesn't matter a damn, because it's her ultimate weapon against him; the only thing guaranteed to stop him in his tracks, so he lets her off the hook one more time. And then Beckett confirms her words from that awful night when Montgomery was killed; she really hasn't forgiven him. Of course, Castle doesn't push it. Just happy that she's alive, he makes a gracious exit, content to be whatever she needs.

He heads straight to the precinct where Ryan, with his usual insight, takes in every detail of Castle's appearance and says, "How's she doing?"

The pain from their encounter still fresh, Castle sighs and says, "Good, I think. She's a little tired, but able to sit up and give me hell."

Esposito grins and says, "Well, that's a good sign. You coming with us this afternoon?"

Struggling to maintain his composure, Castle says, "No. No, there'll be a steady stream of people through her door by then. I'll see her soon."

Of course, his friends know him well enough to see past the charade, but nothing about his demeanor seems unusual after all that he's endured. So they let it alone and all three men get back to work. The guys have left to visit Beckett when Martha calls asking if she should wait for him before heading to the hospital. Of course, Castle is able to honestly tell her that he's already had his time with Beckett. That fact comes in very handy over the ensuing days, with Castle's family assuming that he's dividing his time between the precinct and the hospital. Of course, in reality, he barely leaves the 12th, because anywhere else seems too far away from her, and sleep only brings on the nightmares.

It's Jim who calls almost a week later to let Castle know that Beckett is being released from hospital, and then says, "Maybe give her overnight, though. She's not very strong yet."

For some reason still unable to lie to the man, Castle says, "She's, uh, asked me to let her have some time. So just give her my best, okay?"

"Some time? But…?" Mystified as to why Beckett wouldn't want Castle by her side, Jim leaves it at that.

Castle sighs and says, "It's all right, sir. I knew it was a risk."

Finally understanding that this may be the price Castle pays for saving Beckett's life, Jim says, "I'm so sorry, Rick."

The man's grateful compassion almost proves too much for Castle, but he remembers what's important and says, "Really, it's okay. Just so long as she's getting better."

"She is, thank you." Jim hesitates and then says, "I can keep you updated on her progress, if you'd like?"

Genuinely moved by the gesture, Castle smiles and says, "That's very brave of you, sir. But I don't think she'd like that. Thank you, though. Just let me know if she…if you need anything, okay?"

Jim is quiet for a few seconds and then says, "Did Katie ever talk about the watch she wears?"

Confused as to why he's mentioning it, Castle senses a story and says, "Yes, sir. She said it's your watch; for the life she saved."

Jim chuckles and says, "I'm surprised she told you that much. But that's not the whole truth." Castle knows better than to interrupt and Jim soon continues, "The life saved was her own."

Almost unable to breathe for fear of not hearing the explanation, Castle still can't stop himself from saying, "Sir, I'm not sure she'd want…"

Jim interrupts with, "This is important, son. You need to know this."

Apparently unable to refuse any member of the Beckett clan, Castle sighs and says, "All right."

"If you know that much, then you know that I didn't cope well with Johanna's death?"

Thankful for the opportunity to remove one of his concerns, Castle says, "Yes, sir. Are you in touch with your sponsor?"

"Thank you, yes. I won't let Katie down this time." And then Jim explains, "It was years after my wife's death before I found the strength to look through her personal effects. When I noticed that Johanna's ring was missing, I knew there was only one place it could be. I asked Katie about it and she revealed that she now wore it as a necklace. Oh, you need to understand that, to my knowledge, my daughter has never lied to me, okay?"

Unwilling to interrupt, Castle only says, "Okay."

"So, when I asked her to return the ring, because it meant so much to me, she refused. When I angrily asked why, Katie said…she said that she'd made a promise and the ring was to remind her to keep it."

Castle has worked it out and says, "A promise to find out who killed her mother and bring them to justice."

"Yes."

Grateful for the fresh insight into one of his favorite mysteries, Castle says, "Thank you, for telling me."

"I'm not done." With an audible sigh, Jim says, "I know my daughter. So, when I saw that look in her eye, I knew that the pursuit of this goal would consume her and I demanded the ring back, terrified that I would lose her, too." After a second, he continues, "She, uh…"

He hesitates so long that Castle says, "It's all right, sir, really. You don't have to do this."

Jim laughs and says, "Yes, I do. Now shut up and let me tell the story."

Relieved that Jim seems okay, Castle smiles and says, "Yes, sir."

"Katie was so angry. She insisted, and rightly so, that I'd lost any right to tell her what to do. And then she got angry enough to discuss the day she made the promise." After yet another pause, Jim continues, "The weeks and months after Johanna's death were the worst. Other than picking up the phone to order more booze, I kind of shut down and Katie took over everything; putting aside her own grief to take care of me. So I didn't even notice that she wasn't coping and was passed out yet again when she…apparently, she was preparing dinner and suddenly imagined turning the knife on herself. The worst thing about her telling me all this, years after the event, was that she was clearly _very_ angry; angrier than I've ever seen her. But she calmly related how, once that thought entered her head, she couldn't make it leave and her hand started trembling with the effort of not plunging the knife into her chest." After another pause, Jim says, "Clearly using strength that I don't possess, she put down the knife and went looking for a reason to live. Of course, she discovered the few items that had been found on Johanna's body, still in the envelope because I hadn't found the courage to look at them. Apparently, surrounded by her mother's things, Katie made her promise and then went back to caring for me, even as she planned how best to keep her vow. You know the bit after that."

Given that he's talking to an alcoholic, Castle resists the urge to mention his sudden need for a drink. Instead, he swallows and says, "Yes. She quit law school and became a cop." Now well and truly hooked on the story, he prompts, "The watch?"

"Ah, the watch. We didn't often leave Katie with a sitter when she was a child. Because it was soon evident that it was one of the few things she struggled with, as if she was actually worried that we'd abandon her…prophetic, I guess, in a way. In order to ease her fears, I'd let her wear my watch, as a reminder that I'm always thinking of her and a promise that I'll always come back. When Katie confessed how close I'd come to losing her, I gave her the watch for good, so that she'd believe I had come back to her."

Castle is beginning to catch on and says, "That's the day you decided to get sober?"

"That's the day I _got_ sober. It was the terrifying resolution on her too-calm face. I knew that she was already effectively lost to me and I continue to pay for that failure. And I also knew, with absolute certainty, that if I didn't again become someone she could rely on, there would eventually come another day when her hand would tremble with her need to not feel the pain and, on that day, her strength might fail her. So I gave her the watch and my promise, and I've not touched a drop of alcohol since."

Exhausted from hearing the emotion in the man's voice, Castle says, "She loves you."

"Oh, she's always done that, even when I didn't deserve it. What was damaged is her ability to _accept_ love. I continue to pay for that, too."

Finally understanding the point of Jim's story, Castle says, "And that's why she…? I've tried to tell her..." He growls in frustration at his own inadequacies and continues, "Oh, hell. I'm worse at saying it than she is at hearing it. But, you know what I mean?"

"Yes, son. I know. That's why I had to tell you, so that you'd understand that none of this is your fault."

At first confused, Castle eventually says, "Of course it's my fault. Josh was right. I should never have interfered. But something in me can't leave a story alone. I simply have to know how it ends, so I pushed and…"

"Rick, listen! Josh is a good man. But he doesn't understand that Katie would never have even looked at him if you hadn't inspired her to reopen Johanna's case. I only worked it out this past week and I barely understand it myself…not sure even Katie does. But, like I said, I know my daughter; without the case she's that scared teenager who shut down so effectively that she didn't properly grieve for her murdered mother, yet still so much in pain that she almost couldn't go on." Castle is acutely distressed to hear that Jim is now crying as he concludes, "Without the case, she's not my little girl; not my Katie. Yet, with the case, she's going to get herself killed and I don't know how…"

When Jim can't continue, Castle takes a deep breath, summoning his strength and gives the man a gift when he says, "So the point of this story is to rub my nose in the fact that Kate and Josh are together because of me?"

It's a strangled imitation of a laugh, but Jim _does_ laugh and then he says, "Oh, Rick. This is what you do for her, isn't it? She's going to miss you. Thank you, for giving her back to me and for keeping her safe. I really hope that this isn't the end of the story."

Castle recognizes it as a farewell and knows that it might be forever, so he can only manage, "Me, too."

* * *

In the few weeks after Beckett is released the hospital, Josh counters all her objections and moves in with her, taking leave from his duties at the hospital. So it's Josh who helps her bathe, tends her wounds and cooks her meals, letting Beckett do only enough to keep her from getting too frustrated. And it's Josh's arms that enfold her when she wakes from the nightmares almost every night. However, after three weeks, she's strong enough to insist that he return to his life and he's no longer strong enough to defy her. So he leaves her apartment, promising to return every night.

Finally alone, at least during the day, Beckett focusses on her recovery and does her best to accept the achingly slow progress back to full health. After about a week of gentle daily workouts and too many hours alone with her tortured thoughts, Beckett decides to add a daily walk to her routine. After spending several minutes looking for her wallet, she realizes that it must be with the few personal effects that had been on her when she was hospitalized and soon finds where Josh put them.

Only then does she calculate it's been an entire month since she wore her mother's ring, and she hadn't even noticed. It's the not noticing that gets to her, because she wouldn't have thought that was possible, given that it's become part of who she is. With trembling fingers, Beckett replaces the talisman around her neck and flees the apartment, walking until she's exhausted. Struggling to keep from breaking down, she ruthlessly refuses to examine her feelings and remains oblivious of the fact that, somewhere along the way, she silently reaffirms her vow.

When Josh arrives that evening, he almost immediately notices the change in her. After a couple of hours, Beckett says, "Stop staring!"

Startled, Josh then chuckles and says, "Sorry. It's just…something's different."

Beckett smiles and says, "Different?"

Josh considers his answer and then says, "Yeah. It's…" Suddenly nervous about destroying the mood, Josh hesitates a second and then says, "After the shooting, you went away for a while. But now, I think maybe you're coming back."

Too out of touch with her feelings to understand that she's already chosen to leave him, Beckett smiles and says, "Sounds like progress to me. How about a glass of wine, to celebrate?"

Josh knows that she doesn't really expect him to go for that and says, "Not for another three weeks."

"Half a glass?" When Josh only smilingly shakes his head, Beckett grins and says, "Then how about we go to bed and see how far we can get without doing any damage?"

The brilliant smile on Josh's face is answer enough and then he says, "Welcome back."

* * *

After weeks without a word from Beckett, Castle is beginning to accept that perhaps "I'll call you, okay," are the last words she'll ever say to him and he knows it's time to consider getting on with his life; a life without her. Incredible then that the very next evening Gina calls and, after enquiring about Beckett, says, "Look, Rick, I know that I said to take a break, but we really need to get serious about promoting the book. Of course, I'll understand if you need a little more time, but…anyway, it needs to be soon."

At her words, Castle understands that somewhere along the way he made a decision and mentally prepares for her defiance as he says, "Gina, I'm sorry, but it's not done."

"What's not done?"

"I have to do some rewrites. I'll let you know when I'm ready."

In the several, heavy seconds that follow his declaration, Castle grimaces, readying for the tirade and is almost afraid at Gina's calm tone when she says, "Rick, the launch is in three weeks."

Castle sighs, knowing that he'll pay a huge price for destroying months of her work, but also knowing that he can't let the book out of his hands without rewriting that ending. Because everything he wrote now seems like a lie and he has to make it right. And then he simply repeats, "I'm sorry."

After an even longer pause, Gina sighs and says, "All right, Rick. Call me when you're done."

Grateful that she knows him well enough to let him win, Castle breathes a sigh of relief and then says, "I'll make it up to you, I swear."

Gina attempts a laugh and then says, "Yes, you will." And then she sighs again and begs, "Don't get lost in it, okay? I need you looking good for the interviews."

So Castle knows that she'll not only go along with his wishes, but has already forgiven him, and he's struggling to recall why it never really worked between them as he says, "Thank you."

Relieved that it went so well, Castle remembers that there's one more phone call he has to make, before getting started on the revisions. Allyson has become a friend since that fateful evening on Shelter Island, though they only ever speak on the phone. She called soon after the news of Montgomery's death to offer her support and again after Beckett's widely televised shooting. So Castle isn't very nervous when he calls and says, "Hey, Al. Do you have a minute?"

"Of course. How is she?"

Unprepared to answer such questions, Castle only says, "Recovering. But that's not why I'm calling. The book's due for final release soon and I…would you mind terribly if I change the dedication? What I wrote for you is still true, it's just…"

Allyson offers him a reprieve and interrupts with, "It's all right, Rick, I understand. You want to write something for Captain Montgomery?"

Castle breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Exactly. Thanks, Al."

"No problem. How long before she's back at work?"

And Castle knows that he should have been nervous after all, because he can't find the will to lie to her and says, "No idea. She…I haven't spoken to her since she got out of Intensive Care."

"What? Why?"

Though she can't see the gesture, Castle shrugs and says, "She doesn't want to."

After a second, Allyson says, "Oh, Rick, I'm so sorry."

Knowing that she'll understand, he says, "I'm already tired of hearing those words."

"Yes, I imagine so. Look, Rick, if you…I'm still not ready for anyone else and I'll be alone at the island this summer. So, if you need to get away and want to eat something other than sandwiches for every meal, you know where I'll be, okay?"

Castle smiles at memories and says, "Thanks, Al. I'm kind of busy here right now. But I'll keep it in mind. Take care."

"Yeah, you too."

* * *

When Castle first starts writing again, after haven't spent every evening going over the same clues he and the guys review every day at the precinct, Martha and Alexis assume it's a good sign, not even noticing that he's simply replacing one obsession with another. It's Alexis who cracks first, simply unable to tolerate the sight of her father physically and emotionally wasting away before her eyes. Oh, sure, he does everything necessary for survival and the little extras required to keep her from worrying too much. But, as his once smiling eyes become haunted, dark-rimmed reminders of how much he's suffering and the pounds drop away from his tall frame, she realizes it's all a façade and that her father is silently and solitarily breaking.

When Castle returns home that evening, in time to help cook dinner, he has no idea why Martha and Alexis seem happier than usual. Recently, he's become used to their covert, concerned stares and stepped up his efforts to keep them from knowing just how much he's hurting. So this evening is much more pleasant, given that their easy manner makes him relax enough to almost enjoy himself. It's only when, after a reasonable interval, he excuses himself to get back to writing and sees the void where his laptop was this morning that he knows he's been played.

More confused than angry, he returns to the living room to find them waiting, arm-in-arm and he says, "What's going on?"

After a glance at her grandmother, who nods her encouragement, Alexis says, "You're working too hard, Dad. You're not sleeping, you barely eat and the only time you leave the apartment is to go work on the case. I'm…we're really worried that you're going to get sick or have a meltdown."

Frustrated with their interference, but knowing that it comes from concern for his wellbeing, Castle runs a hand through his hair and says, "Okay. Okay, I'll eat more and I'll come home earlier. Happy?"

Martha shakes her head and says, "Not even nearly, Richard. You're killing yourself. You need to rest."

Castle chokes on the mocking laugh that tries to leave his throat, so that it sounds more like a cough and then he says, "Rest? You mean _sleep_." After a deep breath, he says, "Do you know what I see when I close my eyes?" Without waiting for a reply, he answers, "Blood; Kate's blood. I see it on my clothes, on my hands, on Lanie…God, Lanie! She was covered in it." His voice rises as he explains, "It was all over the floor of the ambulance when Kate…when she died, and then I followed her blood into the hospital, because there was so much of it that the gurney left tracks on the floor. And that's only when I close my eyes. When I actually fall asleep, my dreams are worse. And yet, the only thing that drags me out of bed every morning is the knowledge that I have to prevent it from ever happening again, because I know…I _know_ that there's no way in hell I can live through that twice." Now almost shouting, Castle asks, "So, you tell me; how am I meant to rest?"

By the time he finishes, both women are weeping and move to embrace him. But Castle isn't ready for their sympathy and storms out of the apartment, ignoring the frantic sound of his name. Devastated, Alexis turns to Martha for comfort, who says, through her own tears, "Sshh, he'll be back. And it's good that he's finally talking about it. You did the right thing, sweetie." Still, it sounds more like she's trying to convince herself, when Martha continues, "He'll be all right. He'll be fine."

Of course, Castle eventually calms down and returns to the apartment. Neither of the women are downstairs and a glance confirms that Alexis has returned his laptop. He could leave it at that and trust them to go easy on him. Instead, he heads upstairs and gently knocks on his daughter's bedroom door. When there's no answer the second time, he says, "Sweetie, can I talk to you?"

From Martha's bedroom he hears, "In here, Richard."

Trying to recall the last time he opened his mother's door, Castle sees that Alexis is asleep in the bed beside her grandmother. Mortified that she would need such comfort, his eyes are burning with unshed tears as he approaches and whispers, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Martha shakes her head and says, "I knew you'd fight it. But Alexis couldn't wait any longer. She misses her father too much to give you the time you need."

Alexis stirs then and sits up on seeing Castle, a wounded expression in her eyes that he would do anything to erase, so he kneels beside the bed and says, "Thanks, for bullying me, sweetheart. Do you think that shrink you saw after the kidnapping attempt will be of any use to me?"

So Alexis knows that he's going to start looking after himself and she throws her arms around him in relief and gratitude, saying, "Thanks, Dad."

When both women spontaneously scoot over, giving him room, Castle grins even as he sits down on top of the covers and says, "Aren't we all a bit old for this?"

Alexis' dazzling smile is confirmation that he's on the mend and she claims one of his arms as she says, "Not tonight."

Suddenly sounding angry, Martha says, "Richard!" At his startled confusion, she points towards the end of the bed and says, "Shoes!"

Castle is almost ecstatic to hear Alexis giggle as he kicks off his shoes and says, "Sorry, Mother."

Much later, both women are fast asleep, but Castle hasn't yet got brave enough to close his eyes. He slips away and heads downstairs. Once there, he considers writing, but the memory of Alexis looking as if he'd struck her is enough that he instead scribbles a couple of words on a sticky note, attaches it to his laptop and then finds the courage to get ready for bed.

Early the next morning, Alexis goes to check on him, but he's already left for the precinct. She's worried that last night's ordeal was for nothing until she sees the note on his computer, "Ring shrink!"

* * *

The first time Josh finds Beckett passed out under the punching bag it's only his years of medical training that force his limbs into action, because there's no way his heart could ever have the strength to proceed when he's so sure that she's dead. Of course, he recovers and then ensures that she does, too.

The second time it's a little easier on him, but only a little and Beckett promises to be more careful, because she really can't bear being the cause of the haunted look on his face. Still, she's driven by an older promise now and, the day after she works herself to oblivion the third time, she's preparing an apology meal for Josh when he arrives that evening. Even as she enthusiastically greets him at the door, her subconscious warns her that something is amiss. And then she notices that, rather than the daypack he always brings with him, the bag by the door is his travelling pack. Shocked, she looks at him for confirmation and sees it in his eyes. It hurts more than she would have expected to ask, "Where?"

"Nairobi."

"For how long?"

With a sad sigh, Josh says, "Indefinitely. You're not getting better, you're getting _ready_ and I can't...I don't think that I can go through that again." Despite being certain that Beckett has been preparing to let him down easy, Josh is still wounded by her lack of surprise and he says, "Looks like I just beat you to it." Unable to stand the pain in his eyes, Beckett tries to step out of his embrace, but Josh easily prevents her retreat and commands, "No, don't go away this time. Stay here."

After a deep, shuddering breath to rally her courage, Beckett relaxes back into his arms and then says, "How can you possibly love me?"

When he laughs, she's surrounded by the warm sound and rumble of it in his chest and then he says, "Kate, how can I not?" He kisses her forehead and says, "The big question is whether I'll be able to stop. But I figure that I'll have some chance of success on another continent."

There's nothing to be said, other than, "I'm so sorry, Josh."

When Beckett lifts her head enough to offer him a kiss, Josh accepts and tenderly takes what he can from the gesture, knowing that it will never quite be enough. When he finally ends it, he's surprised at the tears on his face and then shocked to learn that they're not his. In awe, he says, "Thank you, Kate. Okay if I pretend that you were a little in love with me?"

Seeing what they mean to him, Beckett leaves the tears where they are as she smiles and says, "Not only okay; accurate. Thank you, Josh. And I really am sorry."

Josh gently wipes away her tears and says, "Not your fault. Not his fault, either." He can see her surprise, but she doesn't look afraid, so he suggests, "And you might want to consider what will happen to him next time you go on a suicide mission. Because I seriously doubt even Rick is strong enough to risk everything he cares about to save you a second time." That familiar crinkle of her brow that he's come to love is back as she seriously considers his words. Satisfied that she's ready to hear it, he continues, "I have no doubt that he would willingly die for you. So, before you disappear back inside your mother's case, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to let him."

Becoming increasingly uncomfortable, Beckett withdraws from him a little and this time he lets her. And then she says, "I haven't really given him much thought."

Josh laughs and says, "Sure, you haven't, and I bet you haven't _not_ called him fifty times a day, either." Still smiling at the ridiculous notion, he kisses her one last time and says, "Bye, Kate."

Her emotions in turmoil, Beckett can only say, "Bye, Josh."

Backpack in hand, Josh is almost out of her life when he says, "Next time you pick up the phone to _not_ call him, consider following through, okay?"

Too shocked at his generosity to argue, Beckett says, "Okay."

Beckett knows that Josh has done the right thing when she doesn't break down after he's gone. Still, the thought of Josh not being in her life causes enough pain that she decides in that moment to get away and put as much energy into her emotional recovery as she has into her physical fitness. So she calls her father and he's with her before she's finished cooking.

On seeing the elaborate dining table arrangement, Jim says, "Wow. Special occasion?"

Because he needs to know her reasons for going away, Beckett says, "Not exactly. It was meant for Josh. But he won't be joining us for dinner any time soon."

Shocked when he understands her full meaning, Jim is immediately on his guard, searching her face for any sign that she's not coping and says, "And, uh, how do we feel about that?"

Smiling at his careful question, Beckett says, "Sad, but not devastated." With a shrug, she continues, "I think we both knew that it wasn't forever. But I really am going to miss him. And, uh, now that I'm single again, I can focus on really getting better, in every way. So I thought maybe some time at the cabin?"

Satisfied that she's strong enough to cope with the breakup, Jim says, "Sure, sweetheart. Were you thinking straight away? I can pack tonight, if you'd like."

Beckett is shaking her head and says, "No, Dad. I meant alone. Things are different, since the shooting. I'm not yet sure what form the changes have taken, but I can feel it in me. So, I need to get away and sort out what I want from life now and what I want from…" Finally able to face her biggest fear, Beckett takes a steadying breath and then says, "…from Rick."

Encouraged by the name, Jim nods his understanding and then says, "He hasn't called?"

"No. And he won't."

"Because you asked him not to." At Beckett's sheepish nod, Jim says, "Poor bastard. Have you considered that he might not be coping without you?"

Angry that he would think her that insensitive, Beckett says, "Of course I've considered it, and I know that the longer he has to wait, the less chance there is that he'll want anything to do with me. But I can't…if what I want from life now doesn't include him, then...Dad, I'm not strong enough to do that to him. And he has his family. They won't let him suffer alone." And then she manages a smile and continues, "If I know Martha and Alexis, they won't let him alone at all."

Jim remembers to be nervous and says, "I'm not sure that I should let _you_ alone. You're still so…Katie, I can't lose you."

Reluctant to give him more cause for concern, but certain that she needs time alone to sort out her thoughts, Beckett considers for a second, then removes her watch and offers it to him. Recalling all the times he said the words to her when she was a child, she smiles and quotes, "I'll need it back, okay?"

And, just like the child Kate Beckett, Jim's eyes are welling with tears when he says, "Okay."

* * *

It's been over two months since Beckett was shot and Castle is finally recovering from the emotional shrapnel of that shattering event. He still works at the precinct every day, but the trail went cold weeks ago. So, when Captain Gates replaces Montgomery and orders Castle from the building, he doesn't even think of fighting it, pausing only long enough to say goodbye to everyone before walking away from that life.

His sessions with the psychiatrist proved surprisingly helpful. He still has the nightmares, but not every night and he can now eat without everything smelling like Beckett's blood. Other than the fact that he still misses his former partner so much he can't even hear her name without flinching, his only problem is that the writing is not going well. Terrified of not being able to do justice to Beckett and Montgomery, and struggling with all the emotions that threaten to overwhelm him every time he starts typing, he's unable to continue. So, the evening after he's fired from his unpaid job with the NYPD, he breaks the news to his family that he's going away for the rest of the summer. Immediately wary, Alexis says, "By yourself?"

"No, sweetheart. You remember Allyson Markham?" At Alexis's nod, he says, "She's invited me to spend some time with her and, given the lack of distractions, it might be just what I need to finally finish the book."

Skeptical, Martha scoffs, "You think that four weeks alone with a woman won't be distracting?"

Castle smiles at that and says, "Fair comment. But, no, she's still very much in love with her dead husband. My biggest worry is the weight I'll put on from all her cooking."

Alexis looks at his once form-hugging shirt, now hanging from his gaunt frame and says, "Well, that might be a good thing, too." And then she chews the inside of her lip for a second as she decides his fate, finally pronouncing, "Okay, Dad, you can go."

Castle sketches an elegant bow and says, "Thank you, my lady. I, your humble servant, remain eternally grateful for your continued munificence."

Incredibly grateful to see the two of them once again sparring words, Martha plays along, saying, "Richard, would it kill you to speak to me like that when I ask you to do something?"

Castle grins and says, "Now, Mother, you know very well that the last time I used such dialogue within your hearing I was forced to be understudy in that god-awful play." He looks at Alexis and complains, "I had to wear tights…tights!"

Alexis laughs and asks Martha, "Photos?"

With real regret, Martha says, "Sorry, kiddo. Even if I'd thought to take any, he would have destroyed them long ago."

Turning on his heel to pack for his trip, Castle says, "Damn right I would have."

* * *

Even as she leaves the city behind, Beckett knows that she's made the right decision when the crushing weight on her heart eases a little and she takes a deep breath, as if only now remembering how to. Her lingering physical constraints mean that she has to stop for a roadside nap on the way. When she wakes and all she can see are trees, she's at first very confused, but then resumes her journey with a smile on her face and makes it to the isolated cabin just after lunch. After checking everything and stowing the supplies, she heads off on foot around the lake. Having solemnly promised her father that she'll be sensible, Beckett turns back at the first twinge of pain and makes non-stop circumnavigation of the lake one of her goals. With her main objective being fitness for duty, in case she does decide to return to work, Beckett sets up a few targets and utilizes what remains of the light to improve her neglected firearm skills. Of course, the recoil hurts like a son-of-a-bitch and she's forced to abandon the exercise almost immediately; adding one more goal to her list when she notices her accuracy…or lack thereof.

After bothering with a nutritious meal, part of the promise to her father, she opens her laptop and continues the journal her therapist advised she continue after their sessions ended. It's the first time she's really connected with a department shrink. The few times she's been forced to undergo that necessary evil, she simply offered them appropriate platitudes until they signed the release forms. But Burke is smarter and didn't fall for that trick, so he was able to actually draw her out a little. When the mandatory sessions ended, Beckett could see that he knew she was still holding back. But in the end, he signed the forms and made it clear that he understood why she did that; because, for a homicide detective, secrets were as necessary a tool as the badge and gun. With him being capable of such insight, Beckett decided to actually follow his advice, instead of just promising to do so, and hasn't yet regretted that decision. Only the low battery warning alerts her to how much time has passed, so she puts the laptop on charge and goes to bed.

Beckett wakes screaming and covered in sweat. In the pitch black, her hands automatically pull at the neckline of her pajamas, in a desperate attempt to find and staunch the flow of blood. It's only when her fingers find the tiny, puckered scar that she wakes up enough to realize that she was having the same nightmare. Heart pounding, she silently repeats the litany that has helped her through the worst moments since the assassin's bullet found her heart. When that doesn't work, she says it out loud, "You're not dead. You survived." The startling sound of her own voice in the pre-dawn stillness brings her back to the present and she begins to relax. She flicks on the lamp and takes a long draught from the water bottle by her bed. Burke assured her that the nightmares would pass, in time. Given her objection to mood-altering medication, his only advice was the litany, which had to be in her own words and the journal. Tonight, the litany is enough and she eventually finds sleep, to wake as the sun streams in the window having mercifully had no more dreams.

* * *

Castle leaves for Shelter Island at first light in the much-neglected Ferrari. The car responds very well, almost as if it's grateful to finally escape the city and he makes good time, unfortunately having to then wait for the ferry. But it's such a beautiful morning that he simply sits in the car and offers his face to the sun; not quite dosing, but not quite awake either, until the ferry arrives. With Allyson still resisting the distraction of a telephone at her holiday home, all he could do was leave a message at the local post office and hope that his arrival won't be a nasty surprise. As he turns onto Deer Park Lane, memories come flooding back; the car accident, Allyson saving him from the wreck and then him saving her from grief, Sasha confronting him at the house. When the musings then turn to Beckett, he shakes his head and snaps out of the trip down memory lane. As he follows the meandering driveway up to the stunning house, Castle spots Allyson carrying a casserole dish towards the outdoor dining setting and he smiles, his mouth already watering at the thought of what she might have prepared for them. He parks the car and vaults over the railing, not bothering to use the gate, and says, "You got my message."

Allyson lets the oven mitts fall from her hands onto the table and warmly embraces him as she says, "Yes, thank you. I'm so glad you're here." And then she slides her hands over his ribs, saying, "God, Rick. You're so thin. Are you okay?"

He feels a flicker of pain at her pitying look and says, "Nothing that four weeks of your cooking won't set right."

Astute enough to notice his reticence, Allyson doesn't pursue it. Instead, she smiles and says, "Then let's eat. Though I'm afraid it's only three weeks. I have to head back in time to prepare for classes."

Castle smiles and amends, "Nothing that _three_ weeks of your cooking won't set right."

After lunch, and a decent interval to permit his distended stomach to adjust to the amount of food he's consumed, Castle insists on cleaning up, though Allyson overrides him enough to dry the dishes as he washes them. With Castle unwilling to talk about recent events and Allyson too smart to pressure him, they talk about everything except Montgomery and Beckett. So Castle is already glad that he decided to visit when he feels himself really beginning to relax for the first time in months. When they're done, Castle moves his luggage into the spare room Allyson has prepared for him. And then he finds her in the living room and says, "So, what happens in the afternoon round here?"

Allyson shrugs and says, "Well, in the past I would walk or read, perhaps go swimming. But, lately, I've started writing a novel. So we can play dueling computers, if you wish?"

"Writing?" And then Castle grins and says, "Something suitably high-brow, I suppose?"

Allyson smiles and says, "I'm not always a snob. No, it's…promise you won't laugh?"

Now very intrigued, Castle says, "I promise to hold it in until I leave the room. How's that?"

Allyson shakes her head in disapproval and then says, "Your wickedness is still intact, I see." And then she hesitates another second before saying, "It's a romance novel."

Shocked at the revelation, given that she was almost snide about his novels, Castle says, "Presumably under a nom de plume?" And his eyes sparkle as he theorizes, "Perhaps _Crystal Remington_ or maybe _Raven Black _…oh, wait, I know;_ Caledonia Spring!_"

Allyson's lips twitch with the effort of containing her smile and she says, "I'm sorry I told you."

Castle tries to calm down and says, "Okay, I'm sorry. But, seriously, what name have you chosen?"

Her voice full of laughter, Allyson says, "No, I'm not telling you."

"Oh, God, you really have chosen a name? That's too perfect. _Please_ tell me."

"Absolutely not, Mr. _Castle_."

Latching onto that as a tactic, he says, "See, I told you mine. Come on Al, tell me." When she only folds her arms and shakes her head, he says, "Okay, have it your way. Uh, _Letitia Mignonette_, _Elspeth Crochet_…_Tiffany Boutique_…"

Allyson dissolves further into laughter at each guess, until she holds up a hand to stop him and says, "Okay, you win. I'll tell you." When Castle silently waits, she says, "I'm afraid it'll be a disappointment. I've decided to go with Allyson Fischer."

Castle does a double-take and says, "That's it? Is that your maiden name?" When she only shrugs, he says, "But that's a tragedy of wasted opportunities. We simply have to come up with something better than that…obviously, by _better_, I mean much, much worse." And then he brightens and asks, "Do you have a title, yet?"

Already laughing at his obvious intent, Allyson says, "Oh, no. You're not choosing the title."

Quickly coming up with a plan to kill two birds with one stone, Castle says, "Tell you what; we'll both start writing. Whoever writes the most words by nightfall gets to choose the title."

"I think the odds are ever so slightly in your favor, given that I've never published a book."

Eager for some competition, Castle says, "Okay, I'll spot you one thousand words."

Allyson offers to seal the deal with a handshake as she says, "Two thousand."

Smiling his gratitude, Castle shakes hands and says, "Done."

In fact, it's well past nightfall when Allyson looks up and realizes that they've been working for several hours without a break, so she says, "Time."

Castle also looks around and, after checking his watch, says, "What does this mean for our wager?"

Just happy that Castle seems to have lost the haunted air he arrived with, Allyson smiles and says, "Deferred until tomorrow?"

Castle closes his laptop and says, "You're on."

* * *

Beckett knows that she's finally, truly on the mend when her menstrual cycle returns to normal. Despite the inconvenience, she's glad to have such irrefutable evidence of her continued recovery. And paradoxically, she doesn't dream of blood that night for the first time in weeks. When she's able to effortlessly walk around the lake, she replaces it with a gentle run, gradually increasing the distance each day. In the meantime, the daily target practice means that her former, deadly accuracy has returned. But she keeps up the practice, because it relaxes her. With the pain from her injuries easing every day, she adds a reasonably strenuous workout to her routine, and is even able to attempt a few of the less taxing yoga moves. Every night she writes in her journal, though it only serves to define her fears, without apparently bringing her closer to a decision.

She often thinks about Castle. Some days it seems like she thinks of nothing else. She tries to imagine returning to the 12th with him as her partner and it just doesn't work. She simply can't picture what that would be like now that she knows how he feels about her. When she writes about it that night, she of course realizes that she's known for a very long time, but hadn't been ready to accept it. Once that knowledge reaches her conscious mind, something shifts within her. It's three days later, during her daily run, when she finally works out what's shifted; she returns his love. She comes to a halt, literally stopped in her tracks by the revelation and then notices that she's actually trembling with fear and is mystified as to why the information should so terrify her. After all, she's known that for a long time too, but hadn't been brave enough to actually admit it to herself. So she abandons the run and heads back to the cabin to write about it.

Hours later, she's no closer to solving the dilemma and calls her Dad. She's been in touch with him enough to keep him from worrying and Jim says, "How far did you get today?"

"Not very. Been working on emotional stuff today."

"Well, those muscles are atrophied too."

"Nice image, Dad, thanks. Uh, I've hit a snag and…"

When she doesn't continue, Jim says, "Rick?"

"Yes." When her Dad only remains silent, she takes a deep breath and says, "He scares the shit out of me."

Jim laughs and says, "I imagine so."

Frustrated with his lack of sympathy, Beckett says, "I call you for help and you're laughing at me?"

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. But, two months ago you were clinically dead and today your biggest concern is your boyfriend? For some reason I find that very funny."

Seeing his point, Beckett is able to smile about it and then the fear returns as she says, "Oh, God. Castle is my boyfriend."

Jim laughs again and says, "Well, he's certainly not anyone else's, and I doubt he ever will be."

Suddenly feeling the need to sit down, Beckett is almost gasping for air and her voice is subdued when she says, "He can't be."

Suddenly serious, Jim says, "Why not?" When Beckett is unable to reply, Jim says, "What scares you the most?"

And just like that, she knows the answer and says, "Before the hangar, he asked me…he begged me to walk away from Mom's case."

"And you couldn't?"

Shaking her head that he's misunderstood, unshed tears blur her vision when Beckett says, "And I almost did, just because he wanted it. I had to send him away, because there's no way I could have refused him a second time."

After a few seconds, Jim says, "And what happens if you're ever in that situation again?"

Saddened, Beckett says, "He'll never ask again."

"Why do I get the feeling you'd rather he did?"

The tears finally fall as Beckett says, "Because then it would be over."

After a few seconds, Jim says, "Except that it wouldn't really, would it?"

Beckett sighs and says, "No. But it might be close enough."

Sounding almost in awe of the idea, Jim says, "You love him that much?"

Almost paralyzed with fear just hearing those words, Beckett then growls in frustration and says, "Oh, hell. I've no idea. It's been so long since I've felt anything but afraid that I'm not sure I can tell anymore. I know that I don't like the idea of him not being around. But I can't imagine being with him either. It feels like…choosing Castle is the same thing as turning my back on Mom and I'm not sure I can do that."

"You know what she'd want."

"Yeah, I know. But, after all this time…well, getting shot in the chest felt less like dying than it does when I contemplate giving up on the case. I'm not even sure I know who I am without it. All I know for sure is that it scares me…terrifies me."

"So, what are you going to do?"

Beckett laughs and says, "I was hoping you'd tell me." But she knows he can't actually make the decision for her and quickly continues, "Give it some more thought and hopefully do what's best for me and for Rick."

"Sounds as good a plan as any. You didn't mention work. Have you decided to go back?"

"I think so. But, again, I'm not sure. I don't have to decide for a few weeks yet." And then Beckett sighs and says, "In the meantime, this is giving me a headache, but talking about it helped. Thanks, Dad. Whatever I decide, I'll see you soon."

"Okay, sweetheart. Good luck."

After hanging up the phone, Beckett fills what remains of the day with mindless activity and then showers and changes, eats and cleans up, journals and gets ready for bed; still no closer to a decision. Then next morning she throws herself into her physical routine, in the hopes that she'll find an answer that way. But she never does. In the end, her reason for returning to work is the same reason she goes looking for Castle; she simply can't stay away any longer.

* * *

His second day on the island, Castle wins the right to name Allyson's novel, but only just and he says, "I thought this was your first book?"

She only smiles and says, "It is. But I've written countless papers and essays, so I thought it was worth the risk."

"Oh, you're sneaky. So, when do I get to read it?"

Suddenly wary, Allyson says, "Read it? That wasn't part of the bet, Rick."

"I can't name it without reading it. That would be unprofessional."

Allyson smiles and says, "You used an informal wager to unlock writer's block. I'm not sure that's very professional, either."

Castle shrugs and says, "Well, when it comes to writer's block, there are no rules." And then it occurs to him that they could continue the tactic and he suggests, "How about another wager? Winner tomorrow gets to read the other's book first."

Allyson only smiles and says, "I've already read your book."

"Not with the new ending." He can see that she's tempted and offers to shake hands. When Allyson silently accepts the gesture, he then grins and says, "Now, go and cook my dinner."

Allyson's eyes narrow dangerously and then she says, "Do you really want to piss off the woman preparing your meals?"

Unafraid, Castle laughs and says, "No, I suppose not. How about I give you a hand?"

Already heading towards the kitchen, Allyson says, "Okay, but it'll make it harder to slip the poison onto your plate."

Castle follows, saying, "Exactly."

Despite an evening of friendship and ease, Castle's nightmare returns with a vengeance that night. He wakes screaming, momentarily confused by the sight of Allyson's concerned face before him. Still reeling, he gasps, "Sorry."

Allyson's shakes her head and says, "No need. I wasn't even with them when they were killed. Yet I relived the car crash almost every night for months…still sometimes wake like you just did. Are you okay?"

Sitting up and wiping the sweat from his brow, Castle says, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." With a shamefaced grin, he says, "It gets easier, right?"

Though he already knows the answer, Allyson smiles and confirms, "Yes, it gets easier." And then she says, "I'm actually kind of relieved. I was worried that you weren't going to let me see any of your grief."

Surprised, Castle says, "I guess that I assumed you'd rather not."

With a gentle smile, Allyson uses his words from the day before and says, "Hey, I told you mine."

Castle smiles and says, "True."

Satisfied that he's all right, Allyson says, "Do you want to discuss it? I know you can't tell me everything, but…anyway, you decide."

Her selfless concern decides the matter for him and Castle says, "Okay." When Allyson joins him in the bed, forcing him to make room, he says, "What, right now?"

Allyson shrugs and says, "I just woke to the sound of your screams. I'm not getting back to sleep any time soon, so why not now?"

Still a little ashamed that she's seen him in a moment of weakness, Castle nevertheless smiles and says, "True." After all they've been through, he feels no reluctance about telling her anything, but several seconds later he gestures helplessly and says, "I've no idea where to begin."

Allyson gently prompts, "Do you remember the dream?"

Castle's eyes widen a little in fear and he says, "Oh, yes, I remember the dream." And then he's able to tell her all the reasons why he dreams of blood, leaving out only the details of Montgomery's betrayal. By the time he's done, it's almost dawn and Castle is nestled in Allyson's arms, because she couldn't listen to what he's endured without offering him comfort. Exhausted, Castle says, "Thanks, Al. We'd better get some sleep."

Holding him a little tighter, Allyson says, "So, get some sleep."

Satisfied that it's what she wants, Castle easily falls asleep in her arms. The next night Allyson simply follows him into bed. They share nothing more intimate than an embrace and painful memories. But it's enough that the next three weeks are the longest Castle has gone without dreaming of Beckett's death since the first time he saved her from Lockwood. Every day they think of another reason to keep writing and Allyson finishes her book before she has to leave. On her last day, she finally lets Castle read it. Prepared to be polite, Castle is actually genuinely impressed and says, "You lied."

Having spent all day fretting about what he might say, Allyson is only very confused at his words and says, "I _lied_?"

Castle smiles at her nervousness and explains, "You said it was a romance novel. This is a love story, Al."

Blushing at what she recognizes as a compliment, Allyson says, "Not the same thing?"

"Not at all." Nervous about damaging the bond they now have, Castle hesitates before saying, "Your story?" She can't do more than nod and won't quite meet his eyes, so Castle jokes, "Then it's just as well you didn't let me read this before now, or I wouldn't have been able to leave you unmolested every night."

She knows that he's teasing her, but Allyson can't help the color rising to her cheeks again as she says, "A gentleman should not say such things."

Enormously pleased with her embarrassment, Castle beams and says, "And when have I claimed to be a gentleman?"

He's completely unprepared when Allyson suddenly sobers and says, "Rick, you're the only other gentleman I've met in my entire life."

She can only be talking about her husband and the look in her eye is most definitely not one of mere friendship, so it's Castle's turn to blush as he stammers, "Uh, look, Al…I…"

Apparently satisfied with his reaction, Allyson grins and says, "So it's a pity we're both in love with someone else."

When Castle realizes that she let him see that much of her feelings at least partly to torture him, he exhales his relief and says, "God, Al, you nearly gave me a heart attack."

Still smiling at her success, Allyson steps into his arms and says, "You provoked me."

Holding her close, Castle laughs and says, "Yes, I did."

Still against his chest, Allyson says, "Well, I'd better go if I want to reach the apartment before dark."

Without quite releasing her, Castle steps back enough to search her face as he says, "We're okay?"

So that he won't be in any doubt, Allyson kisses him for the first time and then says, "We always will be." Castle helps her load her car and she's about to leave when she says, "Do you suppose it's possible that there's a third gentleman in New York?"

Only then does it occur to Castle that the past few weeks were exactly what Allyson needed too, so he smiles and says, "I'm certain of it, and I'm already jealous of him."

This time Allyson only kisses his cheek and then says, "Bye, Rick. And good luck with your love story."

Castle knows that she's not talking about _Heat Rises_, so he says, "Thanks, Al. But I think that story is finished."

Allyson shrugs and says, "Perhaps. But not so long ago I thought _my_ story was finished." She smiles at a memory and then says, "But, you ruined everything."

Of course, Castle shares that memory and also smiles as he says, "I'm still not sorry."

"No, nor am I." Obviously reluctant to leave, Allyson sighs and gets in the car as she says, "I'll call you when I get there. Stay as long as you want and just drop the key at the store when you leave."

Sad to see her go, but eager to find out how he'll cope alone, Castle carefully shuts her door and waves her off. When she's out of sight, he looks around for a second, uncertain what to do next. In the end, he goes with his strength and gets back to writing. Almost surprised to find that he still exists without another human being for company, Castle divides his time between writing and enough time in the pool each day to rebuild his neglected muscles and is eventually able to tell a grateful Gina that she can unleash the media circus. Dreading the entire process, but knowing that it's a necessary part of his job, Castle heads for home, remembering to buy some macaroons for Martha.

* * *

Despite now being recovered enough to reassure even Alexis, Castle is almost undone at the first book signing. Because it simply hadn't occurred to him that seeing the cover would remind him of Beckett, especially as he knows that she never posed for the picture. So every time another eager fan puts the book in front of him threatens to undo months of recovery. But, every time, he focusses on the task at hand until Beckett's voice says, "You can make it out to _Kate_."

He doesn't know why she's here. And he doesn't care. All he feels is angry that she would torture him like this after months without a word. So he returns the book unsigned and says, "I don't think so."

He can see Beckett recoil a little at the vitriol in his voice, but he doesn't regret it. And then she says, "Uh, look, can we talk?"

Castle's jaw clenches with the effort of not shouting at her and then he growls, "I'm busy."

Her brow furrowed in distress, Beckett says, "Please, just a minute?"

Castle simply looks past her to the next in line and brightly says, "Hey, how are you today?"

This eager fan practically pushes Beckett out of the way to get her time with Castle. When he next looks up, Beckett is gone and it's only with a supreme effort that he's able to stay in his seat and do his job. Still, he can't quite forget how good she looked, as if he must have imagined her dying in his arms. And, of course, the eternal optimist in him dares to wonder if maybe the story isn't finished after all. Even without the surprise guest, his day would have been pretty bad, so he's glad when it's over and warmly thanks the staff. He's not very surprised to see Beckett waiting for him outside. Just the sight of her makes him angry all over again and he decides that, whatever her reasons for visiting, he's not going to let her off easy.

But all that changes when, with a twinge of pain in her eyes, she confirms that Josh is no longer in the picture. Castle watches her walk away and then, now also angry with himself, strides after her as if he really has no choice. When she's within earshot, he says, "You've got ten minutes." She turns to him and is about to speak, but Castle forestalls her, saying, "And this had better be good."

Beckett knew it wouldn't be easy. Of course, she understands that wrath is his only possible reaction to her staying away so long. And it confirms for her that, if they have any chance at all of ever becoming a couple, she needs to put her mother's murder behind her once and for all, because she never wants to put him through that again. She looks around for a second at the crowded park and then gestures towards nearby swings as a semi-private place to talk.

After spending the last week of her hiatus trying to work out what she'll finally say to him, Beckett is completely lost for words, because none of them seem adequate. The book in her hands provides an opening, but Castle still won't meet her eyes and only glances at his watch, apparently intent on holding her to the ten minutes. Even when he asks about Josh, he still can't bear to look at her and she begins to wonder if she's wasting her time. But she has to try, because the thought of him not being in her life is worse even than this horrible parody of the trust they once shared. Still, it's not easy and she hesitates a second before telling him what she needs, whilst praying that it will be enough for him.

Castle can't look at her, because every time he sees that haunted look in her eyes all he wants to do is make it go away. But he can't afford to be that vulnerable before her, not until he's sure that she's back for good. Of course, he's very familiar with the wall she speaks of, though she's never given it a name before. And he knows how difficult it is for Beckett to talk about this stuff, so it's enough to get his attention. He'd like to think that it's her courage that finally sways him, or her cogent argument for pursuing the case against the odds, perhaps her hint that there's even a chance of them eventually being more than friends. But, ultimately, what brings him undone is the desperate need in her eyes, because he's never really been able to refuse her and he's rewarded with the smile that makes it all worthwhile.

Beckett knows that they're going to be okay when Castle insists that he's still angry, but without a trace of sincerity. She remembers to thank him for all the work he did on her behalf while she was away. And they slip into discussing the case as if the past three months never happened. Her heart almost singing with relief that it's gone so much better than she'd hoped, Beckett can't resist teasing him, like old times. Again proving that he's worthy of her esteem, Castle not only immediately comprehends what she's doing, but plays along as if his anger is already a distant memory.

They're quiet for a few seconds after that and then Castle holds out his hand towards her. At first confused, she realizes he's asking for the book and hands it over. Castle fishes his Sharpie out of a pocket and writes something inside the front cover. He returns the book and says, "Read it later."

Burning with curiosity, Beckett nonetheless can't refuse him anything today and finally remembers what she's owes him when she says, "Thank you, Castle."

Of course, he knows from her tone that she's not talking about the book. So she smiles and says, "You're welcome, but don't ever do that again, or I'll shoot you myself."

Beckett smiles and says, "I'm sure it would be ruled justifiable homicide." And then she sobers and asks, "Is there any point apologizing?"

"I don't know. Try it and see."

"I'm sorry Castle. I was so…messed up after the shooting that I had to get away. But I never intended to cause you pain. I just couldn't see any other way of getting better. I'm so sorry."

Castle considers her words for a second and then says, "Not bad. But I think you owe me about a hundred more."

So she knows that he's already beginning to forgive her and smiles her gratitude as she says, "Yes, sir."

They're quiet again for a while and then Castle says, "So, what are the new rules?"

"Rules?"

"Yeah; you no longer have a boyfriend and I presume that you still lust after me with a fiery passion?"

Beckett can't help but smile at his words and then says, "Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that…"

Castle interrupts with, "Because you're a wuss."

Ignoring the jibe, Beckett continues, "However, I do…you're really going to make me talk about this, aren't you?" When Castle only grins at her she knows that this is her penance, so she confesses, "I still find you attractive, yes."

"So, is sex on the table? Oh, that's a metaphorical table, though I'm up for anything."

Unable to keep from smiling, Beckett declares, "No sex."

Castle slumps his shoulders as if truly depressed and then says, "Kissing?" When Beckett only shakes her head, he slumps still further and suggests, "Hugs?"

Now struggling not to laugh, Beckett says, "No, sorry."

Seemingly devastated, Castle spreads his hands wide in appeal and begs, "Kate, it's been months. You've gotta give me something."

Pretending he means it literally, Beckett stretches one hand towards him. Castle smiles and accepts the gesture as if it really is all he needs. They sit like that for a while, gently swaying on the swings and then Beckett has to ask, "So, you're okay with…?"

When she doesn't continue, Castle smiles and prompts, "No sex?" At her nod, he proclaims, "Beckett, I've been married and divorced twice. I'm pretty sure that I can hold out longer than you." And then he notices that the park is emptying as people head for home, so he says, "Do you have plans for dinner?"

"Uh, no. I caught up with Dad last night and I haven't had time to…you mean your place?"

"Of course."

Suddenly nervous, Beckett says, "What about Martha and Alexis?"

Castle grins and says, "I was wondering why you met me here, instead of at the loft. Yeah, you're not their favorite person right now. But they'll forgive you."

Just the fact that he was so angry on seeing her is confirmation enough of how much he's been suffering and Beckett can't quite meet his eyes when she says, "Why would they ever forgive me?"

With all that he feels for her evident in his voice, Castle says, "Because I have." When she still won't meet his gaze, and then her hand in his starts trembling, Castle realizes that she's crying. So he pulls their swings together and awkwardly hugs her, saying, "Hey. It's okay. It'll be all right, Kate." He lifts her chin, until she's looking at him and promises, "We'll sort it out together." He gently wipes her few tears away and then, because their need is so great, he kisses her. Barely touching his lips to hers, Castle is nevertheless overcome by this affirmation of everything that's right between them and moves to kiss her again. But he can feel her resistance this time. Instead, he grins and says, "I've never been very good at following rules."

Overwhelmed by his generosity, Beckett tries to smile and then says, "Yes, I remember."

Castle suddenly stands and reclaims her hand, helping Beckett to her feet as he says, "Where's your car?"

"Uh, I took a cab. I wasn't sure…if it hadn't gone well, I didn't think that I should be behind the wheel."

So Castle understands how much courage was required for her to confront him today and decides to make her glad of it, even as he says, "I walked here. Are you well enough for that?"

At her nod, he leads her towards his apartment. They haven't gone very far when Beckett says, "Uh, Castle, about the hand-holding…I only meant that…"

Castle laughs and interrupts with, "It's okay, Beckett. I've met you, remember? But I figure that, just for tonight, I get a free ride."

Satisfied that he's not upset, Beckett relaxes and, of course, finds that she enjoys his generous affection. They're soon at his apartment. The doorman warmly greets Beckett and is careful to not notice their still joined hands. As they approach his door, Beckett says, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea, Castle."

Smiling at the anomaly of her being more afraid of emotional encounters than facing dangerous criminals, Castle says, "Granted, my family _is_ pretty terrifying. But you'll have to face them some time and you're here now."

Suddenly glad that she didn't insist he let go of her hand, she clenches his a little tighter and says, "Okay."

Castle has to momentarily release her to unlock the door and then clasps her hand again and says, "Ready?" At her nervous nod, he opens the door and leads her inside. As usual, Martha and Alexis are preparing dinner. On hearing the door open, they glance in his direction and then freeze in almost comical shock on seeing Beckett. Having decided on a direct approach, Castle says, "Look who I found roaming the streets." When they're still immobilized a few seconds later, Castle adds, "So we'll have to set one more place for dinner."

Alexis finally finds her voice and icily demands, "Dad, can I speak with you a moment?"

Unwilling to leave Beckett alone with Martha, Castle says, "No, I'm good."

Surprised when Beckett slips her hand out of his, Castle looks at her and she says, "It's okay, Castle."

Trusting her to know how much she can tolerate, Castle says, "All right." And then he follows Alexis upstairs.

Beckett watches them leave, already feeling sorry for Castle, as she's seen how acerbic Alexis can be when she's upset. And then Martha gets her attention with, "So, you're back?"

Beckett bravely locks her gaze to Martha's, readying for the onslaught and says, "Yes."

"For good?"

"Yes."

Martha stares at her for several seconds, ruthlessly taking in everything about Beckett's appearance, and then says, "Then would you mind helping me with dinner? My sous chef appears to have deserted me." Without even knowing why, Beckett feels Martha's magnanimous exoneration as an attack on everything that she knows to be true. Her trembling fingers have already clasped the door handle when Martha gently commands, "Courage, Kate."

With a deep, shuddering breath, Beckett manages to keep the tears from flowing. And then she walks to join Martha in the kitchen on slightly unsteady legs and meekly follows her instructions on how best to help. When she's calmed down enough that she can trust her voice, Beckett says, "Thank you, Martha."

"You're welcome, sweetheart. But don't ever do that again."

Beckett is able to honestly pledge, "I couldn't."

Soon after that, Castle comes downstairs. In seconds he assesses the domestic tableau in the kitchen and knows that Martha has chosen forgiveness. Filled with love for both of them, he says, "Alexis will be down in a minute." He moves into the kitchen and kisses Martha's cheek, even as he momentarily rests his hand on Beckett's forearm in a silent gesture of solidarity and then says, "Anything I can do?"

Martha suggests, "Perhaps choose a wine, darling? And then help Alexis set the table when she's finished sulking."

With a slight smile at her brutal honesty, Castle moves to do her bidding as he says, "Yes, Mother."

Despite the fact that, when Alexis joins them, it's obvious she's been crying, the dinner goes well and Beckett finally relaxes. After helping with the cleanup, Martha excuses herself and heads upstairs. Alexis hesitates, clearly reluctant to leave her father alone with the person she blames for all his pain and Beckett offers a respite, saying, "Uh, it's getting late, maybe I'd better…"

She's interrupted by Castle once again claiming one of her hands. And then he and Alexis silently war with each other until the teenager spins on her heel and follows Martha upstairs. Castle releases the breath he'd been holding and says, without much conviction, "She'll come around."

"I'm so sorry, Castle."

Castle shrugs it off, saying, "It's okay. She's often upset with me."

So that he'll fully understand her, Beckett steps in front of him and looks him in the eye to say, "No. I'm sorry that…you must have been through hell for Alexis to be that angry with me."

Suddenly uncomfortable with the level of affection in her voice and gaze, Castle says, "Yeah, well, I'm sure it was no picnic for you, either." And then he asks, "Can you stay?" When she immediately looks nervous, he sighs at the effort required and explains, "I'm just…there's no way I'll believe that we're okay if you're not here when I wake up." And then, because he can't help himself, he grins and jokes, "Also, I'm hoping to test that no sex rule." And he finally gets to hear her laugh. When she then frowns, he says, "What's wrong?"

"I…it sounded weird."

"Your laugh?" At her nods, he says, "Yeah, not much laughing around here lately, either." And then he nervously licks his lips and warns, "I'm about to break the no hugs rule." Despite it not being a question, he hesitates long enough to determine that she's okay with it and then enfolds her in his arms. Feeling as if he's coming home after a long journey, Castle says, "Welcome back."

Unable to speak for all the emotion choking her voice, Beckett's only answer is to wrap her arms around Castle's waist and cling to him as if the simple gesture can erase everything bad that's happened. In the end, it proves inadequate, but Beckett gains enough strength from the embrace that she eventually ends it and teases, "Such a pity, Castle." At his confused look, she explains, "I was wavering on the whole no sex thing. But, after a hug like that, I'm good for another three years."

His eyes shining with joy, Castle's smile is dazzling when he says, "Oh, so flirting is back on the table?"

Realizing that he's right, Beckett smiles and says, "Apparently." And then she sighs and says, "Well, today has been exhausting and we've got work in the morning…"

Caste again silences her by taking one of her hands, and then he says, "Not yet."

Apparently unable to refuse him anything for this one night, Beckett doesn't protest when he leads her to sit beside him on the sofa. Once there, he puts an arm around her shoulders and draws her to him. It's several seconds before Beckett is able to identify the feeling his behavior invokes; she feels safe, for the first time in recent memory. She smiles and warmly says, "You really are terrible at obeying rules."

Resting his cheek against the top of her head, Castle murmurs, "Yeah, so I've been told."

Only minutes later, they're both fast asleep. When Alexis warily comes downstairs much later, hoping to say goodnight to Castle, she's shocked to see the two of them asleep together on the sofa. Mystified as to how her father can so easily forgive Beckett, she's smart enough to understand that nothing she says will make any difference. With a resigned sigh she fetches a throw rug and tenderly covers them, then heads back upstairs.

Beckett wakes from the dream about the shooting, already frantically reaching to stem the flow of blood from the wound in her chest. It takes a second to comprehend why Castle is beside her, offering soothing words of comfort. When her breathing settles enough for her to speak, she says, "Sorry, Castle. I get these nightmares. My therapist said it will pass."

"Yeah, mine too."

Shocked, Beckett says, "You have a therapist?"

"Had." With a shrug, Castle explains, "Alexis insisted. It was actually pretty helpful."

Only now catching up with what he said, Beckett says, "You have nightmares?"

Another shrug and Castle says, "I was there, Kate. I imagine our dreams are pretty similar."

Finally understanding, Beckett hesitates only a second before confessing, "I dream of dying."

Even more reluctant to discuss such a painful subject, Castle hesitates and then says, "And I dream that I can't stop it." And then, with a sad smile, he admits, "And, of course, I couldn't. You died anyway."

Dangerously close to the secret she isn't yet ready to reveal, Beckett can't leave it at that and explains, "But you _did_ stop it."

Completely confused, Castle frowns for a second and then says, "No, you don't remember, but I didn't make it in time."

Pushing her fears aside, Beckett says, "Before…I heard you call my name just before the bullet hit me." Clearly still confused, Castle only stares at her and Beckett continues, "It was a presumably skilled sniper at only mid-range distance aiming at a stationary target on a clear day with no wind, yet he almost missed my heart." She can see that Castle is beginning to understand as she concludes with the truth, "I can't know for sure. It all happened so fast. But I'm absolutely certain that I heard you yell my name before what felt like a punch to the chest, so maybe…"

Castle finishes for her, saying, "Maybe you were reacting to the sound of your name and that's why he was off the mark?" At her tentative nod, he exhales away that particular burden and says, "You know, it would have been really helpful if you'd told me this months ago."

Genuinely contrite, Beckett says, "I'm sorry, Castle. But I didn't work it out until recently. Still, I should have called you."

Castle hugs her and says, "It's okay, you're here now. And you still owe me ninety-eight apologies."

Amused that he's actually keeping score, Beckett smiles and sits up out of his arms, saying, "Fair enough." Only then does she notice the rug, now forced to the floor by her unconscious throes and she asks, "Martha?"

Castle picks it up, carefully folds it and says, "This belongs to Alexis. I told you she'd come around."

Shaking her head at the wonder of it, Beckett says, "How do you all do that? Is forgiveness genetic?"

Castle smiles and helps her to her feet, then says, "Have you considered the possibility that you might be worth all the trouble?"

He's clearly in earnest, but Becket is not even nearly ready to accept such a concept and smilingly says, "Nope."

It's obvious that she truly doesn't believe it and Castle's heart aches as he says, "Kate, if you're going to hold me to the no kissing rule, you have _got_ to stop being so adorable." When he then catches a glimpse of the wall behind her eyes, he takes a step back and says, "Well, time for bed. It hasn't been so long that you don't know your way to the spare room?"

"No, I'll be fine, thanks." After a moment's hesitation, Beckett rests one hand on his chest as she kisses his cheek and then says, "Thanks, Castle. Night."

Steadfastly resisting the urge to throw his arms around her and never let go, Castle is surprised that his voice works when he says, "Night, Kate."

Castle's nightmares leave him alone that night. When he wakes in the morning, he immediately remembers that Beckett is back and almost leaps out of bed with a childish enthusiasm, already smiling at the thought of seeing her again. When he spots the note that she's slipped under his door, he knows that she's already gone and is momentarily saddened until he remembers that they're partners again. So he's unafraid as he opens it and reads, "Made you look!" He smiles, knowing that she must have found what he'd written in her copy of _Heat Rises_, and then cheerfully goes about his morning. There's another note on the coffee machine that reads, "I had to go home and change. I'll pick you up on the way to work. Oh, and I'm very, very sorry - 97 to go!"

The End


End file.
